Same lady today told me some things that made me thinking...
...again... it seems she really makes me thinking a lot...
Here is what she said:
- Once the baby is there you love him so much that you don't need anybody else, isn't it?
- Once your baby is born you love him so much that you love your husband less and become more distant to him, isn't it?
No, It isn't!
My family and their advise and support are just as important to me than before and without them Mesut and me would be totally lost.
The relation between me and my husband has become so much stronger because of what we have lived together. He held my hands and made dua for me while I was screaming like crazy trying to push that baby out.
We lived moments together which were so intense we never imagined possible.
We did that together, so we can do anything together!
Thank you for everything ya Usamati.
Alhamdoulilah!!!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Now you have the baby - no need for anybody else?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
BOOK: His needs, her needs: building an affair-proof marriage
According to the author of this book too many marriage-counselors see the solution in marital problems in learning how to communicate better and how to deal with conflicts and critical situations. Harley sees that approach only as a additional factor but not as the full solution.
Everybody, man and woman has certain needs that need to be met. These needs differ in their intensity between men and women and when those needs are not met within the marital relationship they leed to frustration and unhappieness or are fulfilledby a third party - within an affair.
By identifying the needs of both partners and by fulfilling them, both partners can find satisfaction and contentment in the marital relation. Harleys goal is not only to solve marital problems but to make the couple fall in love again by doing what makes the partner happy and by avoiding what makes them unhappy.
Harley identified ten most dominant needs out of which five are more important to women and five are more important to men:
"The Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in a Husband"
#1 AFFECTION:
"Physical affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval."
Affection is important in its own right and it has nothing to do with sex. Affection says "I Love You" without "I Lust For You." Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, touches, gifts, back rubs, affectionate words, etc. all fall under the category of affection. Harley says that the "typical male" sees affection as foreplay to sexual encounters and is normally aroused by affectionate physical gestures. A man who growls, 'I'm not the affectionate type' while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is missing a chance to meet one of her deepest needs.
#2 CONVERSATION:
We usually put our best foot forward before the marriage and are trying to get acquainted with each other as well as letting the other person know how much we like them. In order to do both, we are usually engaged in a lot of conversation. Long talks at night.
Long conversations on the telephone. Walks where we tell each other about ourselves.
After the wedding, we know about each other and the conversations we used to enjoy seem to be very limited or come to an end altogether. Harley says that men do not seem to need conversation, but women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. The most
satisfying conversation is one that focuses on getting to know each other, showing an interest in each other, and discussing topics of interest to both. It is important that she feel a genuine interest and caring for her.
Harley says that the average woman needs 15 hours of quality conversation a week.
#3 HONESTY AND OPENNESS:
"A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs…To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future."
#4 FINANCIAL SUPPORT:
"Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth, a woman does marry at man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up."
#5 COMMITMENT TO FAMILY:
"A woman has a powerful instinct to create a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to be a
good father. This means having "good family time" and playing an active role in raising the children."
"The Top 5 Things a Man Needs in a Wife"
#1 SEXUAL FULFILLMENT:
" The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband's need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's need for affection. This need in men is so strong that it must be satisfied -- in or out of the marriage. When a man binds himself in marriage, he makes the assumption that his wife will be available to him sexually. If that is not the case, it it sets the stage for an affair -- which will be destructive to the marriage."
#2 RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP:
The need to have fun with his partner is the second need Harley identifies for men. As already stated, we often put our best foot forward in the courtship and this is another area where there may be disappointment after the "I do". "Why don't you do this with me anymore?" is a common lament. Harley cautions wives that having fun together doing the things that you both like is essential to the marriage. "Men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions."
#3 AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE:
"A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that is what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met, he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most men have a need for an attractive wife. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They appreciate the way she looks."
#4 DOMESTIC SUPPORT:
He needs peace and quiet. There may be a cultural change/demand that says that men need to take more responsibility in the home for domestic chores, but most men are not embracing this change. The male has a deep need for his wife to "take care of things" -- especially take care of him.
#5 ADMIRATION/RESPECT:
HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM
Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and enables him to achieve far more.
(taken from: http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/2011/01/his-needs-her-needs-building-affair.html)
I could only read the first 50 pages with google books but so far i find Harleys ideas interesting and also quite logical. Although they might not provide a solution to more serious problems, i think responding to eachothers needs not only lays a healthy foundation for a marriage but also fulfills the promiss to care for eachother.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Engagement in Islam
Today we are finally continuing our series about family, about how to chose the right partner and how to continue to go the right way once you have found him.
As all the lectures before, this lecture was hold by Abdelhay Fadil at my "home" mosque in Dortmund.
Today we will start talking about the time of engagement and inshallah we will talk about the following points:
- the limits between the partners
- what is the final goal of the time of engagement?
- how long should be the time of engagement?
- being able to come to the right coice and decision at the end of the engagement time
- how to deal with sins and mistakes, the partners might have commited in the past?
- how to react when you find out bad characer treats in your partner?
- what are the partners rights and responsibilities over each other during the time of engagement?
To start my lecture, I would like to give you two examples of couples that are in their engagement time:
in one case, the couple is always together and their are almost no boundaries and limits between them. In the second case, the couple might meet each other once or twice before the decision about marriage will be made, they will not have the possibility to talk to each other in a direct way and to get to know each other.
Both ways are wrong and both ways are extreme.
The time of engagement is a time to get to know each other, but how to get to know each other in the right way? Were are the limits the couple must respect? Is there a particular ceremony for the engagement?
Engagement in Islam is a promise, i ask a lady for her hand and promise that I WANT to marry her. But it is no commitment in any form, it does not mean that in the end you will really get married, the couple just promise each other that they have the same intention, which wanting to marry each other.
What is the goal of the engagement time? Two main goals should be reached in this time: to get to know the partner on a intellectual level and to find emotional tranquility and peace in him.
What is the problem of an engagement without limits and boundaries?
An engagement time without limits can become very dangerous. The gowl of engagement is to find emotional peace in each other and to get to know each other. If sexuality plays a role in the engagement time, neither can you find peace, nor can you get to know each other. As soon as sexuality plays a role, we are not able to perceive and see the other in a neutral way and we are unable to get to know the other realistic and objective.
Islam wants the couple to get to know each other step by step, engagement time is the step in which you should only get to know each other on an intellectual level and find emotional peace in each other, once you have reached that level, you are ready to go to the next step.
Do I understand him? Do I feel comfortable around him? Those question are to be answered. And to get to know each other in a right, realistic and objective way is essential to take the right decisions later on. Once sexuality and lust plays a role, we will not be able to be objective.
You want your marriage to be happy and blessed. Who can make your marriage happy? Who can bless it? Allah! You start you relationship with sins and still want that relation to be blessed by Allah? Who stays away from something for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward him with something much better!
And again as a remembrance, the goals of the engagement time are to get to know each other on an intellectual level and to find emotional peace and tranquility in each other.
So far we only talked about a engagement time in which there are no limits. But whats with an engagement time in which the partners don't even talk to each other? How can you find peace and get to know each other that way?
It is very important to show yourself as you are, honest and with out fear of disappointing the other. Try to get to know your partner on a neutral basis without your emotions changing your perception. That does not mean that you should not fall in love, but before love comes, try to use the opportunity to get to know your partner just like he is, without having your emotions and lust change your perception of him/her.
Islam is the religion of the middle, no extremes, neither in one nor the other direction!
There is no duration that can be fixed since it is about attaining a goal. Once that goal of getting to know the partner and finding peace in him is reached., you are ready to go the next step.
And if both of that points are attained, you should not wait any longer to take that next step.
We got engaged, what should happen now?
We want to get to know our partner to be able to make the right decision. What are the things you should find out? There are 5 points you should talk about and evaluate.
religiosity
character treats
way of thinking
how does he/she imagines the future?
Habits
The goal of asking all those questions is to find out whether or not you could understand each other and live together in the future.
How will we find out about the other? Ask him!
The goal is that the intellects meet, when the partners understand each other on an intelectual level, their souls will find peace in each other eventually! And when their souls find peace in each other, love can grow. But love has roots, and in order for it to grow, those roots must excist. If you do not know each other, don't understand each other and your souls don't find peace in each other, love can not grow.
Sometimes we hear people say: we loved each other but then, after marriage everything changed.
So maybe you didn't go the right way, your love wasn't based on the right roots, it wasn't the love that is the result of understanding and attachment.
What are the questions you should answer?
What is your goal in life? What are your dreams? What do you want to achieve? What are your wishes?
We want a partner who knows what he wants, who is confident. It's not that we should come up with a catalog of questions, it's more a conversation that should develop in order to get to know each other.
How do you plan your future? How do you want to raise your children? Where do you want to life?
If you are already emotional attached to your partner in that stage, you are not able to head out of that relationship. If you are in love, what ever the answer to a question might be, it will not influence your decision. If you are already in love at this point, you will not be able to see clear and to take objective decisions and consequences.
How should your partner be like? What is the reason for marriage? What do you like and what not? How are you with your religion?
The question about religiosity is very important but sure, all the other questions are very very important as well. Find out how religious your partner is, what opinions he has, what scholars he likes etc.
All the questions mentioned are just starting points for further conversations.
Once a woman came to Omar Ibn Khattab and said: a certain man had asked for my hand in marriage and I would like to marry him but I do not love him.
Omar Ibn Khattab said:
how are his character treats?
Very good
how is his religiosity?
Very good
and how is his family?
Very good
daughter, a couple lives through religiosity, character treats and family! Love will grow on this three points, so marry him because love will come eventually.
Always try to keep a balance. Realizing that your partner has mistakes does not mean that you should end the engagement. It is about getting to know your partner with his good and his bad sides and deciding whether or not you can live with both of his sides. There is nobody without defaults! Don't try to change your partner. It is about knowing and accepting each other just the way you are and not about changing your partner until he is as you want him to be.
Allah says: is the one who builds his house (family) on piety and the striving for Allahs appreciation similar to the one who builds his house (family) on an crashing hillside?
To lie to your partner is betrayal! Betrayal on your partner, your future husband/wife and sooner or later those lies will come out.
So we said you should be totally honest, but what about the sins and mistakes you have committed in the past? And what when you are directly asked about those sins? Is it even permissible to ask such questions?
Only when you repent the sin you should conceal it, if you didn't regret it you must tell your partner about it. Don't ask your partner about his sins and if you are asked then don't answer. If you are forced to answer then lie! If you have repent to Allah, he has forgiven you and your sin is deleted!
If you do find out that your partner has committed a sin, make sure that it is true and that he/she regret and repent. Do you like his/her character treats? Will you be able to forget what happened or can you never forgive him and cause him trouble every time?
A lady had gotten married and came very angry to Omar Ibn Khattab. She said that after she had married, her brother went to her husbands family and told them about her sins! Omar Ibn Khattab was furious about the brothers behavior and said he should have never denounced her!
What are a mans right over the lady during the time of engagement?
During the time of engagement, the woman is still a foreign woman to the man, he has no right to impose anything on her. He can only ask her, but she does not have to comply!
They should sit together and talk but never be alone, and still be free enough to talk openly.
In this step, parents must enable their children to get together in an appropriate environment, to enable them to get to know each other while not crossing the limits. Therefor it is very important that the relation between parents and children is close, they trust eachother and children are willing to take their parents advice and guidance. We need parents that are sensitive and open minded, that are able to respond to their children's problems and emotions.
On the day that the marriage contract between Ali and Fatima was made, Muhammad – peace be upon him – went to Alis house and met Asmaa in front of it.
where is my brother?
He asked
Your brother? Who is your brother oh prophet?
Ali!
Since the beginning Muhammad – peace be upon him – tried to build a stron relationship between him and his son in law because he wanted his daughter and her husband to feel comfortable and at ease in their marriage.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
chosing the right partner - part 2
last time we talked about the balance between the two partners concerning religiosity, social background, education and financial situation. and we said that a balance in those points will be very beneficial for the couple and their married life and that extrem differences in those points can cause big problems.
today we will start with talking about the age-difference of the two partners.
we here very often about big age-differences between partners. what says islam to this?
the scholars say that age-differences between couples, in whatever constellation, are completely okay as long as they respond to two requirements
- if the lady is older, she should never see herself as superior or more experienced because of the fact that she is older.
- if the man is younger, he should not feel subjugated or think that he is allowed to neglect his responsibilities over his wife because he is younger than her.
Nowadays we see many young girls wanting to get married to men that are much older than themselves. Why is that?
reasons might be that they feel that the men in their own age are not mature and not able to take responsibility and to care for a family. They might feel that an older man could offer her more space in his life, value her more and protect her better than a young men who hasn't really "arrived" in his life yet.
This phenomenon should make our young men think about their attitude, maturity and ability to take responsibility.
Although the age-difference between mohammad, peace be upon him and khadija was 15 years, we should keep in mind that this was a special relation between two very special persons. and mohammad, peace be upon him can not be compared to the 25year old boys we see nowadays!
Abu bakr, omar and uthman asked to marry our prophets daugther fatima but mohammad, peace be upon him, rejected them all because they were to old! in the end fatima married ali who was only 5 years older than her.
Last time we said that finding a religious partner should be our priority.
But i want to emphasis that religiosity has nothing to do with being extreme since islam does not like anything that is extrem!
just because a woman is wearing hijab or because a brother wears a long beart and we see them all the time in the mosque, that doesn't mean that they are really religious or that they have understood the meaning of being religious in its right sens.
being religious is reflected in the good character traits a person posesses, because when being religious why want to please and praise Allah and one form of praising Allah is to have good and beautyful character traits!
One day a man came to omar, saying about another man that he was very good and religious.
omar said:
- how do you know that, did you make business with him?
- no
- have you traveled with him?
- no
- ahhh, so you just saw him in the mosque reading quran?
- yes
that is not enough to know if a person is a good or religious person. only by seeing a persons character you will find out if he is really religious and if he has understood the meaning of being religious.
Maybe there will be a lady saying that she married a very religious man who always prayed in the mosque etc. but he treated her very badly and she suffered a lot in the marriage with him.
so, can we say that the prophets, peace be upon him advice to marry the religious was wrong in that case? could our prophet, peace be upon him ever advice something that is not good for us?
or wasn't it the lady who missunderstood the man she chose, who thought he was religious when in reality he didn't understand his religion and responsibility?
maybe we see a lady in hijab and immediately we are convinced that she is very religious. but how can we really know that until we have seen her behaviour?
inorder to go the right we we should always keep our goal in mind.
our goal is to enter paradise and we are searching for a partner with whom we can inhabit the earth according to Allahs commandments so that we will enter paradise together. we are looking for a partner that will help and support us to go the right way together.
we must make the religiosity to or priority but we must also like and be attracted to eachother and there should be a balance between religiosity, social background, education and financial situation. And we should be pleased with the partners character traits since they reflect his religiosity.
Even if we know exactly what we are looking for, it can be very very difficult to find a partner!
Especially women find themselves in a situation that they are very good educated, finished their studies and are ready to get married but cannot find a suitable partner. maybe because there is simply no man near or all the men who come to ask for her hand are not what she is looking for. there are three major barriers
- the parents have to high expectations, be it financially or something else
- men are not willing/able to take responsibility for a family
- the number of potential partners is extremely limited (specially europe/non-muslim countries)
these unmarried women are under an enourmous pressure from all sides and sometimes the pressure is so big that they just want to get married to anybody so that people will stop talking badly about them etc.
this is a very dangerous problem and we should wonder why our parents and grandparents and the people of the time of our prophet, peace be upon him didn't have those problems.
those people had a family, a family in its real islamical sense and function. a family that was a network of all the family members and their neighbors and neighbor families and so on. a network were a boy and a girls could know eachother in a healthy, halal environment, where they knew eachother since childhood and were the families were very close to eachother.
the prophet, peace be upon him used to gather families in his house to make dua for them and ask Allah to strengthen their relationship.
but what has happened to our families today? if i asked you what your cousin likes, how she/he is feeling etc, will you know the answer? are your parents your bestfriends like it is supposed to be in islam? will the members of your family understand eachother and their needs without even telling their problem?
So even if the best way to find a partner would be through the network of your family, many of yús cannot apply it today. may it be because their family are non.muslims or simply because their family has lost their solidarity.
After musa had escaped egypt he arrived at an oasis were he saw men giving water to their camels. a little bit secluded he saw two girls standing, apparently waiting for something.
he went their and asked about why they were there.
the girls said that they needed to get water but that they couldn't do that aslong as the men where there and that their father was an old man.
musa went to bring the water for them and than he left.
one of the girls liked musa and so she asked the father if he could not ask him to work for them since he seemed strong and useful.
the father told her to bring musa to him.
when she arrived musa she said that her father was inviting to thank him for helping the girls.
when musa came to the house the father asked him if he wanted to marry one of his daughters.
from this little story we can learn so many things.
first musa saw that the girls were in need so it was just natural for him to go and helped him.
when he talked to the girls he was very respectful and didn't talk more than it was needed, neighter musa nor the girls tried to be charming or anything like that.
the daughter didn't have to say that she liked musa, her father understood like this because he knew her so well. how many amongst us think that their father knows everything about us and will understand us even without saying anything explicitely?
when musa came to the house the father didn't embarrased his daughter by telling musa that she liked him. he was very discrete to remain his daughters value and to don't embarras her.
Islam doesn't forbid us to like somebody or to fall in love, in the end how can we control our hearts?! it is just that when you are in love you should not let your feelings leed you to things that are forbidden.
In islam the lady has a very high value and we should try our best to remain her value as high as possible and not to embarras her.
one day nafisa came to her friend khadija who was sitting somewere.
- what happened to you khadija?
- i see mohammad and i see so many things in him that i don't see in other men
nufaisa got what she was trying to say and said:
- what do you think about marying him?
- how should that work?
- i will take care of it.
nufaisa went to mohammad, peace be upon him and said:
- ya mohammad, don't you want to get married?
- i don't have the means to get married!
- what would you say if you wouldn't need anything to marry a very good woman?
- who would that be?
- khadija bint-u khuwaylid
- would she agree to marry me?
- I will go and ask her!
You see, khadija didn't have to actually say that she was interested in him to make her friend understand her and nufaisa kept her value very high by making it seem like it was mohammad, peace be upon him who asked to get married to khadija and not the other was around!
that is the beauty of good character traits and so many good examples from which we can learn!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
and there we go with even more wedding...
well.. when thinking about the fragrance how could i forget about the matching makeup?
hehehee.. i probably seem like a crazy love addict, seeing the world thrugh huge pink glasses with lots of pink sugar all over hehehe
but I fell very very happy that way and actually hope i will remain forever in this state of pink love crazieness..
well.. here it comes.. perfect bridal makeup matching the perfect bridal fragrance and of course, how could i forget, matching the perfect bride.. me ;)
lalalaaaaaalalalaaaaalalalalaaaaaaa
wedding fragrance
i seem to be in a wedding mood 24/7 and it don't seem to stop..
i first tought of adding this post to my other post on marriage but then i think it is very probable that many many many wedding posts like this one will follow so why not make them manby many seperated posts on wedding and marriage just to celebrate love a little bit more often ;)
so, here we go:
some days ago i read how nice it is to have a perfume that u will select specially and only for your wedding day, a perfume that you love yet have never worn before and will wear for the first time on your wedding day..
whats good about that?
well, first you will smell nice :)
and second, when ever you smell that perfume again you will remember your wedding day like it was just some hours ago!
so, how could we not love that idea???
i was thinking about what fragrance i would choose and realized that the most romantic perfume i own is a Very Wang one.. Vera Wang who is famous for her bridal gowns ;)
so, while checking out sephora.com, a website i seem to be almost as addicted to as youtube, I found the following:
the Vera Wang Bridal Collection!!!
After you've picked the dress, the cake, and the perfect spot, commemorate your wedding with a truly unique fragrance that will remind you of that day for years to come. Vera Wang's exquisite collection of marriage-made-in-heaven fragrances gives you the ultimate selection of olfactory bouquets to choose from. Whether it's a delicate note that brings back feeling like a princess for a day or a floral reminder of your commitment, choose one that celebrates you—as a bride. "Fragrance provokes the senses and conjures up memories in inexplicable ways. Incredibly intimate, yet nearly imperceptible, a bride's fragrance remains with her long after the ceremony is over." - Vera Wang
her bridal collection includes four perfumes.. and one of them is already mine which makes it just a little biut easier for me to chose ;)
so, may i present you those babies:
"This lush, floral fragrance was inspired by the grace of a single rose - deep in complexity and budding with possibility. It captures the fragrant caress of rose petals on the skin with an enchanting femininity that epitomizes Vera Wang's style.
Notes:
White Freesia, Lychee Blossom, Cassis, Pink Lily of the Valley, Pink Rose Accord, Peony, Iris, Sensual Woods.
Notes:
Lush. Radiant. Enchanting."
Vera Wang Sheer Veil is a celebration of sheer femininity that sparkles with a touch of spontaneity, and a mood that illuminates with sparkling clarity and a lightness of heart. The fragrance has a floral fluidity that drapes the skin, revealing rather than concealing - allowing a woman's radiance to shine though.
Notes:
Champagne Rose, Lavender Dream Rose, Violet, White Stephanotis, Gardenia, White Lily.
Style:
Radiant. Feminine. Sensual.
Bouquet
A lush bouquet symbolizes the perfect union of nature and femininity. A fresh green floral, Vera Wang Bouquet captures the magic and beauty of a radiant, modern bride. Spirited and romantic, it's a bouquet that blooms to perfection. The scent opens with dew drops, accented with a delicate blend of radiant Sicilian bergamot and black currant leaves. The luminous heart blooms with notes of paperwhite narcissus and honeysuckle for a feminine floral sensation. The base of the bouquet is a warm embrace of lavender, Moroccan cedar and white iris root.
Notes:
Dew Drops, Radiant Sicilian Bergamot, Black Currant Leaves, Paperwhite Narcissus, Honeysuckle, Lavender Musk Accord, Moroccan Cedar, White Iris Root.
Style:
Pretty. Inventive. Inspired.
And finally the one i alreaddy call my own:
The Fragrance
Vera Wang has captured desire in a modern, floral bouquet. The first encounter is a flirtation that begins with Bulgarian rose, calla lily, and mandarin flower. The flirtation is followed by a passionate kiss of gardenia, lotus, iris, and white stephanotis. The fragrance is wrapped in a final embrace of sheer musks, white woods, and precious floral nectar.
Notes:
Bulgarian Rose, Calla Lily, Mandarin Flower, Gardenia, Lotus, Iris, White Stephanotis.
Style:
Elegant, feminine, and sensual.
Actually I haven't tried the other ones but I will defenitively make sure I try them all before I'll get married.. and Im really looking forward to that experience..the fragrance as well as the wedding ;)
chosing the right partner - part 1
this is a series of lectures from the same mosque my "friday evening" posts were from. Its a whole series about marriage, family, love etc. Inshallah I will be able to translate and post all the lectures to this series.
this lecture will be divided into 4 points:
- how should my partner be like? what is important for me?
- where and how can I find him?
- Al Istikhara and Al Istishara - Asking Allah for guidance and asking people for advice
- Whats your familys opinion about your future partner?
do you kknow how your partner shoul be like? what exactly you are looking for? what is important for you? what qualities he should posses? in which points could you compromise and in what is crucial for you?
when you know exactly what you are looking for, you are ready to search for him/her.
Why did Allah create the human beings? to wirship him alone! to worship him alone and to inhabit the world in accordance to his commandments and rules. So, our goal is to inhabit the world in accordance to Allah's will.
What does that has to do with marriage?
who were the first people commanded to inhabit the earth in accordance to Allah's will?
Adam and Eve, a married couple!
Allah says: oh people, we have created you from a man and a woman, and we have made from you peoples and tribes so that you may get to know eachother. and the best among you are the god-fearing!
it is as god wants to tell you: you are getting married to make the earth inhabitable in accordance to Allah's will. He wants from you that you have his commandments in mind and that you do your best to implement them and live according to them and that you are responsible that they are implemented in this world.
So get married to implement Allah's commandments! Who amongst us sees this as the goal for his marriage? And how can a marriage attain this goal if there is no love between them?
when it comes to how the partner should be, we find a million different ways people think and how they imagine their partner to be like.
But what says our prophet, peace be upon him about that?
there are 4 reasons for which a lady might be married: her beauty, her wealth, her family and her faith. Chose the religious one because otherwise you will just stain your hands with dust.
we should not understand this statement in such a way that one might marry a lady because she is beautyful whereas a other might marry a lady because she is religious. we should see this hadith as an advise from our prophet, peace be upon him, to look for an religious partner.
the life is an enjoyment, and the best thing to enjoy in this life is a god-fearing wife!
every muslim prays that Allah may give him good in this life, good in the hereafter and that he may protect us from the hellfire. According to the majority of scholars, the good in the hereafter is the paradise and the good in this life is a god-fearing wife/partner.
so the partner that will make you truly happy is not the richest or the most beautyful, no, it is the most god-fearing.
once, a man came to Ali and asked for advice concerning whom he should marry his daugther to.
Ali said: marry her to a god-fearing man. if he loves her he will honour her and if he doesn't love her he will never do her bad because he fears Allah!
look for a partner that will help you to live according to Allahs commandments. how will an unreligious partner be able to help you strenghten your faith? how will he encourage you to live acording to Allah's will if he himself does not? how can you create a god-fearing family with a partner that does not fear Allah? what a model will be your partner for your children? and it is you who will be responsible for giving your children such a bad parent as model, simply because it was you who chose that partner!
So we see that religion and faith are the most important point when chosing a partner, but that does not mean that this partner cannot be rich or beautyful, it just means that religion should always be your priority!
when oman ibn al khatab became khalif, he wanted to marry oum kulthum, daugther of abu bakr and sister of aisha. when oum kulthum heard about that she said:
what shall I do with omar? that is a man who has a very hard life, he is very jealous and all he cares about is the muslim comunity. I am a young lady and I want somebody who will shower me with love and who admires Allah!
So nobody says you should marry somebody you dont like just because he is religious, but religion should always be the most important point when chosing your partner.
Many people think that their partner will change and become more religious after marriage or that they can "shape" them to be as they want him to be. but this is a very dangerous way to go!
It is very important that the two partners match and there should be a balance between them when it comes to 4 points:
- religiousness
- social status/family background
- education
- financial situation
before Zayneb got married to mohammad, peace be upon him, she was married to a man who had been a slave while she came from a family that was very famous and rich. This unbalance between the couple caused so many problems that they got divorced!
some people might think now that zayneb was a bad woman or something like that, but if she had beed a bad or unfair woman, how could the prophet, peace be upon him, have married her later?
so while religiousness should always be the top priority, make sure there is a balance between you and your future partner when it comes to those 4 points.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
getting married...
Since yesterday I am in the wedding mood!
To be totally honest, I think I am in the wedding mood since I was a sweet little baby girl wanting to marry my father..
Now my father is unfortunately not any more available for marriage and even when he technically was, I had no choice to look after an alternative..
But that had no real impact on my passion for wedding and romance and all things emotional!
So, yesterday I discovered brides.com which set me in a wedding fever and made me dream about my own marriage I would love to celebrate someday, Inshallah someday soon...
Many interesting things I found out..
for example that I am a "romantic bride", well, thats pretty obvious I guess!
There is also a guide for the groom how to pick up the right ring, how to propose and so on..
Since I saw sooo many things they suggested and I would hate when my personal husband to be would do that, I think it would be good to give some hints about what he should better NOT do, hehehee
so, here we go:
- Do not propose to me in public were other people can see us, or if you have to, don't fall on your knee or do anything that will make an outstanding person notice what you are doing! It would make me feel very shy and embarrased!
- But! only because I dont like too much attention in public doesn't mean that I don't want a nice proposal!!! :)))
- Let me choose the ring! I have certain ideas of what I like and what now.. sooo, if you choose my ring yourself you might risk that I don't like it! Its also not so easy to find the right size for me.. (I don't need to have an highly expensive diamond, just want something gold and lovely)
I decided that it would be good and maybe at some point also helpful to write down my wishes and thoughts about my wedding.
- I want to have two seperated wedding-ceremonies, one civil service with my family in my home town and then a second, islamic wedding in the area from which my husband will come from. Anyway, it's impossible in germany to combine religios and civil wedding.
- In the evening/day before the wedding I want to be just with my girls in a nice appartment and party!!!
- I would love to have a summer wedding
- I want to wear my grandmothers wedding dress! (it hangs in my mothers closet and I tried it one from time to time when I was a little girl)
- I would like my bouquet to be made of lavender or/and camomille or/and Schleierkraut (don't know the englsih name), very romantic, beachy, gardeny, casual..
- I want to get married in the late morning and then celebrate in a small romantic restaurant/garden next to the first house we lived in when I was a baby, its right at the river side!
- I don't want my guests to drink alcohol!!! (thats also why I want to get married in the morning)
- I want to be with all my guests ultil lunch, not the whole day! After lunch and after most people left I would love to have a walk, go to the city with my girls and my husband (and the ones he could bring with him).
For the second wedding I don't really have a plan (how unusual for me?!).I just know that when there is going to be a party I want it to be segregated (men and women seperated)!!!
Apart from that I would love to be surprised!
I just want to have to come there and don't worry about all the arrangement and oragnization!
Oh, and for the wedding night I like to have a big nice hotel suite.. but I guess thats already standard?
Well, thats my plan so far.. maybe I will be updating this post from time to time to have like a list of wishes to look at when someday that special day will be in reach..
Inshallah it will be wonderful, how ever and where ever it will be and that the marriage will be so so much more wonderful that the wedding it self! Ameen
April,28 2010 Update:
our wedding plans have evolved:
the day before the civil wedding we will go to a mosque in my hometown just with my mom, her husband and my brother. next morning we will get a civil ceremony very early.. to be continued
