Give for the sake of giving or for the sake of receiving gratitude

Some days ago a lady, holding a baby rang the door asking for support.

First I gave her money, as she asked for used children clothes I run to collect as many un-needed clothes, trying hard to find winter appropriate clothes. She went on to ask for diapers which I happily gave her, including wet wipes. She asked for food, making me give her some of our cheese...

The more I gave her, the happier I felt.

I felt amazing being able to help her, I wanted to give her more and more, the delight and thankfulness in her eyes made me deeply happy!

The next day I looked out of the window and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Some of the clothes I just had given to the lady were laying now on the park wall in the rain!

My heart was racing with anger, how she could throw the things I had pulled away from me on the street?

Even tough I tried to calm myself by trying to justify her behavior, I still remained angry for a long time.

Probably they weren't the size of her children, maybe she tought someone else in need could find them and use them...

Then later a narration of a very rich man at the times of our prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, came to my mind.

The man was very rich, owning several big ships.

One day they came to him, telling him that all his ships had been destroyed.

The man remained silent for a moment and then said alhamdoulilah and continued his business.

Later they came again to him, saying that it was a mistake, the ships were all fine without any damage.

Again, the man remained silent for a moment, then said alhamdoulilah and continued his business.

So they asked the man about his reaction.

He said: first I listened to my heart if it was moved by the news and I found it unmoved.

So I said alhamdoulilah.

Then again I listened to my heart if it was moved by the news and I found it again unmoved.

So I said alhamdoulilah.

So the question is, did I give what I gave simply to give and gain Allahs pleasure for giving?

Or did I give to see the thankfulness in the ladies eyes?

And was I upset because the fact that she didn't want my clothes meant that she hadn't been thankful to me?

My auntie Hiba in La Rochelle used to say that if you try to satisfy people, you will never be successful because their needs and desires are unlimited. But only if you strive to please and satisfy Allah alone you will be successful and attain happiness and Allahs blessings and reward. Inshallah.

So instead of searching thankfulness and pleasure und the ladies eyes, I should focus on finding and gaining pleasure from Allah alone.

Having mercy...

Since having Sait, I became more merciful, specially with myself.

I allow myself to fail,

Allow myself to take time just to be with the kids without doing any chore.

My surrounding hasn't yet adjusted to my change and still tries to push me back in my old, stressful self  and I am definitely still stressed a big part of the day but there are islands of mercy.

I started to sit with the kids reading books, taking walks while telling mesudy stories, trying to exercise but at the same time making sure I don't push to hard...

Oh Allah, You All Merciful, shower me with Your mercy and let me have mercy with my loved ones and with myself.

And let me not forget that I am a loved one myself!

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

"For parents everywhere,

Whose love is shaping the next generation,

And transforming humanity:

Our future rests on your shoulders."

Ya Allah, let me be the best mother I can be!

The sweetness of the early hours

I came to love the early morning, or shall I better say the late night?

It seems that when all is done (even if it's not finished) and everybody is sleeping (even mesudy!) I silence and calm are just too sweet to sleep. 

So I find myself these days staying up until three in the morning enjoying some me time, often just being ended by mesudy waking up (once again) or at least followed by a very deficient amount of sleep.

But these precious moments alone, filled with rest and peace are just priceless!

Reevaluate your priorities

Today I took the kids to the doctor to check Saits blood as he had gained a lot weight very fast previously. Everything is fine alhamdoulilah but he is missing iron and vitamin b12. Doctor said he is missing it because I am missing it. I said that I was fasting during Ramadan and if that might be the reason and she said I shouldn't have faster as it prevented my body to get enough nutrients to pass on to my baby.

So there are two points that made me thinking:

1. How I decided to fast

2. He is missing it because I am missing it

My reasons to fast were that I thought I needed to fast to please Allah and fulfill my duty towards Him and that I didn't want to have to makeup all the missed days later since I have still a whole month to fast from mesudys birth.

So here is my point, maybe I would have pleased Allah more if I would have made sure that my and my babies body are nurtured? Maybe I was to hard on myself and therefore effected the baby?

Which leads me to my second point, the baby is missing because I am missing!!!

Subhanallah!

That is a whole new level on its own.

If I don't care for myself, I don't care for my kids.

If I don't nurture myself, I cannot nurture my kids.

If I am not happy, how can I give happiness to my loved ones?

I'm rushing to keep the house clean while yelling at the kids.

I skip lunch to get a job done.

I don't rest while the kids sleep, again, to get a job done.

It's time to step back and to reevaluate my priorities!

BECAUSE IF I AM MISSING, THEY ARE MISSING!

Dua

I turn my face towards the One.

Who created the heavens and the earth, as a true believer.

I am not of those who associate partners with Allah.

Verily, my prayer and my devotion,

My living and my death,

Are for Allah, lord of the worlds, He has no partners.

Thus I have been commanded and I am among those who have submitted.

Oh Allah, you are the King,

There is none worthy of worship but You.

You are my lord and I am your slave.

I have wronged my own soul and I confess my sin.

Forgive all of my sins, surely none forgives sins but You.

Guide me to the perfection of my character, for none guides to its perfection but You.

Protect me from the evils of my character, for none may protect me from its evils but You.

I am here at your service.

All goodness is in your hands, and evil is not attributed to you.

I am created by You and I am returning to You.

You are most blessed, most exalted.

I seek your forgiveness and repent to You.

Dua

Oh Allah place light in my heart,

And on my tongue light,

And in my ears light and in my sight light,

And above me light,

And below me light,

And to my right light,

And to my left light,

And before me light,

And behind me light.

Place in my soul light.

Magnify for me light,

And amplify for me light.

Make for me light and make me a light.

Oh Allah grant me light,

And place light in my nerves, 

And in my body light,

And in my blood light,

And in my hair light,

And in my skin light.

Oh Allah make for me a light in my grave,

And a light in my bones.

Increase me in light,

Increase me in light,

Increase me in light.

Grant me light upon light.

Being needy of love

My son is needy of my love, and I am needy of his love oh so much too!!!

My son misses me when I'm not with him, and I miss him oh so much too!

My son cries for me when I'm gone and I cry for him oh so much too!

My son wakes up several times at night to search for me, and I search for him oh so much too!

My son needs me to hug and sing for him to sleep, and I need his hugs oh so much too!

My son thinks I'm his hero, thinks I can do and fix everything.

Whenever my son sees somebody crying he asks me were that persons mamy is.

Some people may think my son should be more independent.

Some people may think my son is to attached to me.

Some people may think my son is too clingy.

But the truth is that I depend on him, I am attached to him and I cling to him and his love just as much as he does!

I am more than thankful that my son needs me and my love as much as he does because I couldn't be without less!

Alhamdoulilah!

Worshipping Allah despite children or through children?

Does having children increases or decreases your iman?

I used to think that the fact that Allah tests us by providing us with wealth and children implies that it's the children that keep us from remembering Allah, that we think that as long as we have wealth and kids we may run the risk to underestimate our need of Allah and his continuous mercy and provision.

But I believe that now I understand what is meant, at least for me personally.

Since having children I felt like all my time to worship Allah has been taken, I remember how I would go to the mosque, attend lectures, read Quran, wake up for fajr and feel very strong in my iman...

All that before having babies.

Once the babies came all I could think of, if I found time to think, was how to get some sleep, how to run the household, what to clean next and to resent that my strong connection to Allah had been weakened.

Whenever Ramadan came I felt sad that I couldn't find time and strength to worship Allah as much and as intensely as before, even I felt that the first Ramadan after my sons birth had been completely lost as I couldn't fast at all.

But I believe that now I understand what is meant by children being a test for our iman.

Children don't take our worship away, raising children in itself is worship!

Maybe I don't read Quran as often as before, but I raise Muslims!

My worship hasn't decreased, it has changed!

I don't resent my children our my household to take my time to worship away as being with my kids and taking care of my household is one of the biggest forms of worship.

Alhamdoulilah that Allah has blessed me with my husband and my sons!

May Allah let me be successful in raising my children,

May Allah make it easy for us and let me always remember that by being there for my children I am worshipping Allah and that being there for my children is one of the biggest gifts I can give them.

Lifestyle change - Life change? Style change?

Since 2007 I am wearing Abaya and I love my Abayat, they feel and look like ME!

But still I felt like it was time for some change, nothing major but still something fresh.

So here is my new style:

A long blouse combined with straight leg pants...

I think it's very elegant while still being practical for my actual lifestyle as I can nurse in it and I don't step on it like I do on my Abayat.

I'm loving it so far!

Lost and found - or have I never been lost?

Last time I wrote here, almost two years ago, I said that I had lost myself.. 

And tough I felt that way at that time I think I was wrong...

I wasn't list, maybe I just had changed so fast and so dramatically that I couldn't catch up with myself...

Maybe the ME hadn't changed but the life around it had changed...

Now I will be 30 next year, I have a wonderful husband and two lovely boys, I am a Stay-at-home-mom. That's a long way full of changes that I have come since I started to write here!

But the ME is still the same, loves the same things like before and just added on to it...

So I think I haven't lost myself, rather have I grown and added and changed my ME.