Being needy of love

My son is needy of my love, and I am needy of his love oh so much too!!!

My son misses me when I'm not with him, and I miss him oh so much too!

My son cries for me when I'm gone and I cry for him oh so much too!

My son wakes up several times at night to search for me, and I search for him oh so much too!

My son needs me to hug and sing for him to sleep, and I need his hugs oh so much too!

My son thinks I'm his hero, thinks I can do and fix everything.

Whenever my son sees somebody crying he asks me were that persons mamy is.

Some people may think my son should be more independent.

Some people may think my son is to attached to me.

Some people may think my son is too clingy.

But the truth is that I depend on him, I am attached to him and I cling to him and his love just as much as he does!

I am more than thankful that my son needs me and my love as much as he does because I couldn't be without less!

Alhamdoulilah!

Peace

My husband told me that i am a gentle mom.
Thats probably the biggest compliment he could have given me as a mother.
I want my son to remember his childhood with me full of peace and gentleness. Full of guidance and support. I want my husband to find peace with my. But to be able to nourish my both boys the way i want, to give them the love and peace i wish for them, i need to find peace in me, peace in my life. I need to nurture my self to create a surplus of peace in me so that i can be able to give and share with my loved ones. Peace and contentment is what my heart is asking for.
May Allah pour his peace over my heart and let me find rest in myself.
May Allah let me allow myself to be content, to be rested, to be happy. I want to fill my days with the things that increase my peace and empty them of anything that tries to take that peace from me.
Ya Allah please let me be successful in my quest of peace, contentment, satisfaction and ultimately happiness so that i can be the best mother for my son and the best wife for my husband by being my best self. Ameen.

The right to be listened...

Listen to your mother!
I guess everybody knows that rule.

But what about listen to (and apply) what a mother decides for her child?
Have you heard about that rule too?

My friend who is working in child-care once told me, that one of the mothers she works for requested her to not train her child how to walk and rather carry it until it starts to walk on its own.

Can you imagine what would happen if my friend wouldn't respect that wish of hers and train the kid to walk, even the mother requested strongly not to do so?

When a religious leader gives out a Fatwa, he has the right to be listened and his fatwa needs to be applied. He takes the full responsibility and therefor must be followed, even if he's wrong.
A mother is her child's leader. She has the full responsibility on his upbringing and his education and therefor should have the right that her decisions, regarding her child, are respected.

How will a child learn, that his mothers decisions need to be respected, if people around don't care about those decisions?

Ya Allah,
let me fullfill my responsibility as a mother and guide and educate my child,
make the people who suround me respect me as a mother and apply my decisions regarding my child.
And let me go the right way and make the right decisions always.
Ameen.

Does this sound like a loving parent? Well I don't think so!

The standard American baby handbook, What to Expect the First Year (Eisenberg) advises:
"If you can tolerate an hour or more of vigorous crying and screaming, don't go to the baby, soothe him, feed him, or talk to him when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Just let him cry until he's exhausted himself-and the possibility, in his mind, that he's going to get anywhere, or anyone, by crying-and has fallen back to sleep. The next night do the same; the crying will almost certainly last a shorter time…You may find that earplugs, the whir of the fan, or the hum of voices or music on the radio or TV can take the edge off the crying without blocking it out entirely. If you have an intercom from the baby's room, the magnified crying may be particularly grating. You can reduce that problem by turning it off when the crying starts. If baby is truly hysterical, you may hear him anyway. If you can't hear him at all, set a minute timer for twenty minutes. When the buzzer rings, turn the intercom back on to see if he's still at it. Repeat this every twenty minutes until the crying stops."
http://www.themodernreligion.com/family/bed.html

We are there for you, there for eachother..

While on my research about the last post I found these wonderful words that I totally had to share:

A Muslim mother is available to her child. A Muslim father is available to his child. We know that with parent-child attachment comes the emotional security that is necessary for developing a healthy inner self-confidence. The message we want to get across to our child is, "If you have a problem, come to me. If you are afraid, tell me about it. If you are lonely, I am here." We are not interested in cultivating independence before the child is ready for it.

http://www.themodernreligion.com/family/bed.html

That is exactly what I want to give our child on his way:
we are your parents and we love you, what ever might happen,
we are there for you whenever you need us,
we are there for you to protect you and guide you and love you.

I don't believe it to be beneficial to push a child away as soon as possible, I don't think that helps a child to become strong and independent.
I believe by being there for a child when he needs us (babies need us all the time) makes them feel loved and secure, secure enough to go out on their own to discover the new world around them, knowing that if something happens they are not alone and if they fall we will be there to catch them.

co-sleeping - the islamic perspective

Well, I started to think and finally research about that after our neighbour came over today. Our neighbour is an old lady who is actually just few years older than my mommy and she comes to visit my mother in law a lot, daily almost. Since Mesut is with us she comes to see him too and never misses to give some comment:
- ah, when ever I see him sleeping you are holding him, he should sleep alone.
- what he sleeps with you in the same bed? you will kill him because you will roll on top of him while sleeping!
- ...
I don't intend to comment on these statements now and when she is talking I just nod and smile...
Usually I will forget what she said after about 5 minutes, but today she kept me busy for quite some time and even made me google!
She said:
- You should not sleep with your baby in the same bed, it is HARAM (forbidden in Islam)!
This sentence turned all my lights on!
once because I could not imagine that this was true and twice because to say something is actually haram is a big thing and comes with the risk of loading a sin on the one who states something haram that is halal (allowed in islam).
I asked her who said that and she said it was written in the holy Quran..
Well, anyway her statement stayed in my head and made me research:
Alltough in Quran or Sunnah there is no statement about co-sleeping as such, children should sleep seperately once they reach "the age of reason" which is according to the Hadith narrated in Abu Dawud about 10 years.
"Order your children to observe Salat when they reach the age of seven and spank them for not observing it when they reach the age of ten, and arrange their beds (for sleeping) separately." (Abu Dawud)
some define the age of reason as the age once the child knows what is his right and what is his left hand.
So there is totally no restriction about having your baby sleep in the same bed as his parents, in fact it is only beneficial for the baby (decreased risk of sudden infant death, less waking in the night and therefor better sleep without crying), for the mother (more sleep) and for the relation between them. Even for the father-baby relation it is very beneficial that both feel the proximity during the night and be greeted by a smile first thing in the morning.

don't think, just listen to the others... really?

Everybody knows whats good for your baby,
and for you...
just you don't know it...
why?
because your a first time mom!
So just stop, or better:
don't even start thinking and just do what they'll tell you to do. And they'll tell you A LOT, unfortunately they tell you all different things that make you so confused that you have no other choice but to start thinking yourself..
and thats only were the whole thing starts!

And because I was loaded with advise, I would feel shy if I couldn't give some advise back:
Don't listen!
At least don't listen to 95% of what they tell you!
Why? Because they don't know anything?
No! Because they advise about THEIR baby, not about YOUR baby. And every baby is different and only YOU know YOUR baby.

My second piece of advise:
Listen to your heart, your mind and your instinct. Believe in yourself and in the mother in you.

There was a time I was going crazy thinking about what I shall do with the baby, was I doing it right, and more importantly, were the OTHERS thinking that I was doing it right?

Then there was some point when I said to myself:
you will get 1000 advises about the same subject telling you 1000 different things to do. Listen to them all, smile and nod. Then go, ask Allah to guide you and just follow your heart and your mind.

It took me three months to come to this conclusion and even now it is very hard to apply, very hard to not feel evaluated by others.
"Oh, she does it differently than I did, that cannot be right!"

What helped me:
knowing that my husband thinks I am a good mom and believes in me,
having my mom sharing the same opinion,
and once I figuered out what parenting style was close to mine, find mothers with similar ideas to support you.
(I found mine at kellymom.com)