Engagement in Islam

Today we are finally continuing our series about family, about how to chose the right partner and how to continue to go the right way once you have found him.

As all the lectures before, this lecture was hold by Abdelhay Fadil at my "home" mosque in Dortmund.

Today we will start talking about the time of engagement and inshallah we will talk about the following points:

• the limits between the partners
• what is the final goal of the time of engagement?
• how long should be the time of engagement?
• being able to come to the right coice and decision at the end of the engagement time
• how to deal with sins and mistakes, the partners might have commited in the past?
• how to react when you find out bad characer treats in your partner?
• what are the partners rights and responsibilities over each other during the time of engagement?

To start my lecture, I would like to give you two examples of couples that are in their engagement time:
in one case, the couple is always together and their are almost no boundaries and limits between them. In the second case, the couple might meet each other once or twice before the decision about marriage will be made, they will not have the possibility to talk to each other in a direct way and to get to know each other.

Both ways are wrong and both ways are extreme.

The time of engagement is a time to get to know each other, but how to get to know each other in the right way? Were are the limits the couple must respect? Is there a particular ceremony for the engagement?

Engagement in Islam is a promise, i ask a lady for her hand and promise that I WANT to marry her. But it is no commitment in any form, it does not mean that in the end you will really get married, the couple just promise each other that they have the same intention, which wanting to marry each other.

What is the goal of the engagement time? Two main goals should be reached in this time: to get to know the partner on a intellectual level and to find emotional tranquility and peace in him.

What is the problem of an engagement without limits and boundaries?

An engagement time without limits can become very dangerous. The gowl of engagement is to find emotional peace in each other and to get to know each other. If sexuality plays a role in the engagement time, neither can you find peace, nor can you get to know each other. As soon as sexuality plays a role, we are not able to perceive and see the other in a neutral way and we are unable to get to know the other realistic and objective.

Islam wants the couple to get to know each other step by step, engagement time is the step in which you should only get to know each other on an intellectual level and find emotional peace in each other, once you have reached that level, you are ready to go to the next step.

Do I understand him? Do I feel comfortable around him? Those question are to be answered. And to get to know each other in a right, realistic and objective way is essential to take the right decisions later on. Once sexuality and lust plays a role, we will not be able to be objective.

You want your marriage to be happy and blessed. Who can make your marriage happy? Who can bless it? Allah! You start you relationship with sins and still want that relation to be blessed by Allah? Who stays away from something for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward him with something much better!

And again as a remembrance, the goals of the engagement time are to get to know each other on an intellectual level and to find emotional peace and tranquility in each other.

So far we only talked about a engagement time in which there are no limits. But whats with an engagement time in which the partners don't even talk to each other? How can you find peace and get to know each other that way?

It is very important to show yourself as you are, honest and with out fear of disappointing the other. Try to get to know your partner on a neutral basis without your emotions changing your perception. That does not mean that you should not fall in love, but before love comes, try to use the opportunity to get to know your partner just like he is, without having your emotions and lust change your perception of him/her.

Islam is the religion of the middle, no extremes, neither in one nor the other direction!

How long should be the time of engagement?

There is no duration that can be fixed since it is about attaining a goal. Once that goal of getting to know the partner and finding peace in him is reached., you are ready to go the next step.
And if both of that points are attained, you should not wait any longer to take that next step.

We got engaged, what should happen now?

We want to get to know our partner to be able to make the right decision. What are the things you should find out? There are 5 points you should talk about and evaluate.

1. religiosity

2. character treats

3. way of thinking

4. how does he/she imagines the future?

5. Habits

The goal of asking all those questions is to find out whether or not you could understand each other and live together in the future.

How will we find out about the other? Ask him!
The goal is that the intellects meet, when the partners understand each other on an intelectual level, their souls will find peace in each other eventually! And when their souls find peace in each other, love can grow. But love has roots, and in order for it to grow, those roots must excist. If you do not know each other, don't understand each other and your souls don't find peace in each other, love can not grow.

Sometimes we hear people say: we loved each other but then, after marriage everything changed.
So maybe you didn't go the right way, your love wasn't based on the right roots, it wasn't the love that is the result of understanding and attachment.

What are the questions you should answer?
What is your goal in life? What are your dreams? What do you want to achieve? What are your wishes?
We want a partner who knows what he wants, who is confident. It's not that we should come up with a catalog of questions, it's more a conversation that should develop in order to get to know each other.
How do you plan your future? How do you want to raise your children? Where do you want to life?
If you are already emotional attached to your partner in that stage, you are not able to head out of that relationship. If you are in love, what ever the answer to a question might be, it will not influence your decision. If you are already in love at this point, you will not be able to see clear and to take objective decisions and consequences.

How should your partner be like? What is the reason for marriage? What do you like and what not? How are you with your religion?
The question about religiosity is very important but sure, all the other questions are very very important as well. Find out how religious your partner is, what opinions he has, what scholars he likes etc.

All the questions mentioned are just starting points for further conversations.

Besides those conversations, you should observe your partner. How is he acting? How does he behave? How does he deal with his family and other people?

Once a woman came to Omar Ibn Khattab and said: a certain man had asked for my hand in marriage and I would like to marry him but I do not love him.

Omar Ibn Khattab said:

• how are his character treats?

• Very good

• how is his religiosity?

• Very good

• and how is his family?

• Very good

• daughter, a couple lives through religiosity, character treats and family! Love will grow on this three points, so marry him because love will come eventually.

Always try to keep a balance. Realizing that your partner has mistakes does not mean that you should end the engagement. It is about getting to know your partner with his good and his bad sides and deciding whether or not you can live with both of his sides. There is nobody without defaults! Don't try to change your partner. It is about knowing and accepting each other just the way you are and not about changing your partner until he is as you want him to be.

So we did talk to each other and observed each other. In all this time honesty is crucial to be able to get to know the partner and in the end it is a family that we want to build together.

Allah says: is the one who builds his house (family) on piety and the striving for Allahs appreciation similar to the one who builds his house (family) on an crashing hillside?

To lie to your partner is betrayal! Betrayal on your partner, your future husband/wife and sooner or later those lies will come out.

So we said you should be totally honest, but what about the sins and mistakes you have committed in the past? And what when you are directly asked about those sins? Is it even permissible to ask such questions?

Did he/she regret the sin and stopped committing it? If the person has regret that sin so it is not permissible to talk about that sin but rather it must be kept secret. Our prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him – said: all of my ummah will be fine, except of those who talk openly about their sins.

Only when you repent the sin you should conceal it, if you didn't regret it you must tell your partner about it. Don't ask your partner about his sins and if you are asked then don't answer. If you are forced to answer then lie! If you have repent to Allah, he has forgiven you and your sin is deleted!

If you do find out that your partner has committed a sin, make sure that it is true and that he/she regret and repent. Do you like his/her character treats? Will you be able to forget what happened or can you never forgive him and cause him trouble every time?

A lady had gotten married and came very angry to Omar Ibn Khattab. She said that after she had married, her brother went to her husbands family and told them about her sins! Omar Ibn Khattab was furious about the brothers behavior and said he should have never denounced her!

What are a mans right over the lady during the time of engagement?
During the time of engagement, the woman is still a foreign woman to the man, he has no right to impose anything on her. He can only ask her, but she does not have to comply!

How to reach the goals of the time of engagement while remaining in the limits? How should be the relation between the partners? Where are the limits?
They should sit together and talk but never be alone, and still be free enough to talk openly.
In this step, parents must enable their children to get together in an appropriate environment, to enable them to get to know each other while not crossing the limits. Therefor it is very important that the relation between parents and children is close, they trust eachother and children are willing to take their parents advice and guidance. We need parents that are sensitive and open minded, that are able to respond to their children's problems and emotions.

On the day that the marriage contract between Ali and Fatima was made, Muhammad – peace be upon him – went to Alis house and met Asmaa in front of it.

• where is my brother?

  He asked

• Your brother? Who is your brother oh prophet?

• Ali!

Since the beginning Muhammad – peace be upon him – tried to build a stron relationship between him and his son in law because he wanted his daughter and her husband to feel comfortable and at ease in their marriage.

chosing the right partner - part 1

this is a series of lectures from the same mosque my "friday evening" posts were from. Its a whole series about marriage, family, love etc. Inshallah I will be able to translate and post all the lectures to this series.

this lecture will be divided into 4 points:

1. how should my partner be like? what is important for me?
2. where and how can I find him?
3. Al Istikhara and Al Istishara - Asking Allah for guidance and asking people for advice
4. Whats your familys opinion about your future partner?

today we will be only covering the first point.
do you kknow how your partner shoul be like? what exactly you are looking for? what is important for you? what qualities he should posses? in which points could you compromise and in what is crucial for you?
when you know exactly what you are looking for, you are ready to search for him/her.
Why did Allah create the human beings? to wirship him alone! to worship him alone and to inhabit the world in accordance to his commandments and rules. So, our goal is to inhabit the world in accordance to Allah's will.
What does that has to do with marriage?
who were the first people commanded to inhabit the earth in accordance to Allah's will?
Adam and Eve, a married couple!
Allah says: oh people, we have created you from a man and a woman, and we have made from you peoples and tribes so that you may get to know eachother. and the best among you are the god-fearing!
it is as god wants to tell you: you are getting married to make the earth inhabitable in accordance to Allah's will. He wants from you that you have his commandments in mind and that you do your best to implement them and live according to them and that you are responsible that they are implemented in this world.
So get married to implement Allah's commandments! Who amongst us sees this as the goal for his marriage? And how can a marriage attain this goal if there is no love between them?

when it comes to how the partner should be, we find a million different ways people think and how they imagine their partner to be like.
But what says our prophet, peace be upon him about that?
there are 4 reasons for which a lady might be married: her beauty, her wealth, her family and her faith. Chose the religious one because otherwise you will just stain your hands with dust.
we should not understand this statement in such a way that one might marry a lady because she is beautyful whereas a other might marry a lady because she is religious. we should see this hadith as an advise from our prophet, peace be upon him, to look for an religious partner.
the life is an enjoyment, and the best thing to enjoy in this life is a god-fearing wife!
every muslim prays that Allah may give him good in this life, good in the hereafter and that he may protect us from the hellfire. According to the majority of scholars, the good in the hereafter is the paradise and the good in this life is a god-fearing wife/partner.
so the partner that will make you truly happy is not the richest or the most beautyful, no, it is the most god-fearing.

once, a man came to Ali and asked for advice concerning whom he should marry his daugther to.
Ali said: marry her to a god-fearing man. if he loves her he will honour her and if he doesn't love her he will never do her bad because he fears Allah!

look for a partner that will help you to live according to Allahs commandments. how will an unreligious partner be able to help you strenghten your faith? how will he encourage you to live acording to Allah's will if he himself does not? how can you create a god-fearing family with a partner that does not fear Allah? what a model will be your partner for your children? and it is you who will be responsible for giving your children such a bad parent as model, simply because it was you who chose that partner!
So we see that religion and faith are the most important point when chosing a partner, but that does not mean that this partner cannot be rich or beautyful, it just means that religion should always be your priority!

when oman ibn al khatab became khalif, he wanted to marry oum kulthum, daugther of abu bakr and sister of aisha. when oum kulthum heard about that she said:
what shall I do with omar? that is a man who has a very hard life, he is very jealous and all he cares about is the muslim comunity. I am a young lady and I want somebody who will shower me with love and who admires Allah!
So nobody says you should marry somebody you dont like just because he is religious, but religion should always be the most important point when chosing your partner.
Many people think that their partner will change and become more religious after marriage or that they can "shape" them to be as they want him to be. but this is a very dangerous way to go!

It is very important that the two partners match and there should be a balance between them when it comes to 4 points:

1. religiousness
2. social status/family background
3. education
4. financial situation

extreme differences between the partners in these points can cause huge conflicts and problems, and we are talking about extreme and not small differences! the financial situation might not be so important but education and social status are very important and specialy extreme differences concerning those two points can be difficult.

before Zayneb got married to mohammad, peace be upon him, she was married to a man who had been a slave while she came from a family that was very famous and rich. This unbalance between the couple caused so many problems that they got divorced!
some people might think now that zayneb was a bad woman or something like that, but if she had beed a bad or unfair woman, how could the prophet, peace be upon him, have married her later?

so while religiousness should always be the top priority, make sure there is a balance between you and your future partner when it comes to those 4 points.

Friday evening

The beautiful behavior

Whose prayer won’t be heard from Allah?

The one who is not humble towards Allah

The one who feel superior toward others

The one who can’t admit if he was wrong

The one who is not merciful towards the poor

“Oh Muhammad, take donations from the believers to cleanse them and to teach them beautiful behavior” since giving donation teaches you to be merciful towards others.

“And the smile in your brother’s face is a donation.”

The aim of Islam is that the people have a beautiful live and have beautiful character treats.

Many Muslims think that it is sufficient to limit their religiosity on hijab or learning to recite the Qur’an.

How can we profit from knowledge if we don’t have appropriate character traits to apply that knowledge?

How do we benefit from a woman that seems to be practicing on the outside but talks badly about others?

Good behavior and beautiful character traits are just so essential in Islam!

Allah says: “And when I love him, ill be the eyes he sees with and the hands he deals with!”

Muhammad, peace be upon him: “who ever is on his way to prayer, he already is in his prayer.” So when you are on your way to the mosque, be aware that it is like you already are in the prayer.

Muhammad, peace be upon him: “Who are the people that are at the lowest level at judgement day? Those other people avoid because of their bad behaviour!”

Iman (faith) and good behaviour belong together.

Especially for Muslims in the western world, it is very important to behave in an exemplary manner since we represent our religion and whenever a non-believer sees us doing something he will think: “Ah, that this is Islam.”

How do we benefit from good behaviour?

At judgement day it will worth more and has more value than any other good deeds we did.

Who are the people Allah loves the most? The ones with the most beautiful character traits!

This does ofcourse not mean that as long as you behave good you can neglect religious commandments. It rather stands for itself that religious practice and beautiful behaviour belong together and if you if your Iman (faith) is strong you will automatically aspire after establishing beautiful character traits in order to please Allah and vice versa.

But how can we gain knowledge and improve our behaviour?

You can gain knowledge through learning and practicing and the same gilt for character traits. Your character is changeable and beautiful behaviour is learnable.

Friday evening

Every Friday evening there is a little lecture in the mosque nearby and I try to attend as often as possible because it feels good for my faith, it makes me happy to be with these people and simply because it enlightens my heart.
I realised that I cant keep everything the Imam mentiones in mind and that it is much better for me to take some notes, which I want to share with you here.


Today we will continue to talk about the Surat Yusuf which tells us about the prophet Joseph, but why do we talk about him?
Its not just about his story as such, its more about how he reacted and what he did and how he practices Islam in his live.
Because he lived a life and we all are living a life!
Life is not just about to know what is haram and halal (allowed and forbidden), it is much more important to understand the sense, meaning and intention of Islam.
We have to develop the right feeling for Islam as a whole, we have to look at the whole picture to understand the whole and not just at tiny peaces of it.
Our Prophet Mohammad, peace be upon him, said:
"I have just been send to complete the beautyful character traits!"
So to elaborate our beautyful traits should be one of our main goals!
Surat Yusuf - Ayat 46: "Oh Yusuf, you veritable!"
What is the character trait that others would realte to you? Are you veritable to?
Or will they say: Laura, thats the girl who is always angry?
So are we veritable? Or what are the things we do good?
What are our beautyful character traits?

So the two prisoners who used to be with Yusuf in prison had forgotten about Yusuf and his request to ask to let him free. But when one of these prisoners had a problem again - which was analysing the Kings dream - he remembered Yusuf. He went to the prison were Yusuf still was whitout any apology and asked Yusuf to answer his question.
What would we do in that situation?
Wouldnt we say: "why should i answer you, you havent helped me!" ?
Or would we say: "Okay, ill help you but just if you let me free!" ?
And what did Yusuf? He helped emidiately, whitout question, whitout condition.
Simply because he could help he helped!
And thats the other thing about beautyful character traits,
they have to be constantly and unconditional.
I cant say I am a good person but just to people I like, just to people of my own family or religion.
I cant say today I am in a bad mood so I forget about all those beautyful treats, no,
they have be unconditional and constant to remain beautyful.
Yusufs traits were constant and unconditional, he were veritable with everybody, no matter if good or bad.
He helped when he could and didnt questioned wheter the person was muslim or not.
The egyptience at that time were not believers, but Yusuf didnt care!
He helped simply because he could help!

Today we see many people doing good but with conditions.
When we donate we just donate to muslim countries.
Is that a beautyful character trait that is constat? I dont think so!

"You are very poor and in need of food, so Ill help you when you become muslim!"
But do we want to convince people with their stomach?
shouldnt it be by free will and wile using brain and heart when a person decides for Islam?
"We are very nice because we build a hospital for your community, for your children a school, for your parents a factory and the only thing youll have to do for us is joing our faith!" ?
Is that a beautyful character trait that is unconditional? I dont think so!


Before Mohammad, peace be upoun him, was send, Allah had prepared everything for his arrival. There was a woman like Khadija that was strong enough to hold him,
to follow him as the first muslim.
The was already an Ummah (community) to follow and support him.
And which Ummah has Islam today? People that reduce Islam to how to wear hijab properly and wheater or not it is allowed to eat gelatine?
Its not that these are not important points, but again it it important to first undertand the sense of Islam as a whole before you can take a look at the details.

There are also people that use religion to refuge from their problems and responsibilities.
statement: "I am just interested in the hereafter, this world is meaningless for me!"
answer: "There is no priesthood in Islam! A muslim simply cant withdraw from this life!
Every person and every life has thousands of facetts and from Mohammad, peace be upon him, we can learn how to act in all those facetts."

Every prophet has his mission.
Before Jesus, peace be upon him, was send, people had reduced religion to rules, to halal/haram. Religion was not anymore a thing of emotion but of rules and brain.
So it was Jesus, peace be upon him, mission to bring faith back to the hearts,
and he did that just perfectly.
When Mohammad, peace be upon him, was send he brought the final balance between head and heart. Because the sense of rules in faith is to make life easier, more beautyful and to protect people from harm.

One of Mohammads, peace be upon him, companions used to work for a woman and got dates in exchange. after he got the dates he went to sit with the Prophet, peace be upon him, and to eat them together with him. They sat side by side and eat. Everytime the companion finished one date he layed the stone of the date in front of the Prophet, peace be upon him. As they finished all the dates the companion said: "Oh Prophet, peace be upon you, you have eaten so much, look at the amount of stones you have infront of you!"
The prophet, peace be upon him replied: " well, but I just eat the pulp of the date whereas you took the whole date and it the stones as well!"

Question:"did the Prophet, peace be upon him laughed?"
Answer: "He laughed and made other people laugh as well!"