Starting to see...

When I first started learning about economy, back in school, I felt like economy showed me how the world functions.

Now as I am growing older, I feel like I am starting to learn how I function, how my own little world functions.

I am reaching for sources like Dr. shefali to inspire me, to help me see.

Help me see my kids, see who they are themselves, see how I can try to help them become who they are, not who others might want them to be. 

Help me see myself, love myself, be kind and loving to myself.

Shefali says the only one who can love you unconditionally, after your parents when you were small, that's yourself. And since parents always lack to fill up their kids love tank, in the end it's always ourselves that only we can love ourselves unconditionally.

That's a really hard one for me! To accept that I am enough, good enough... Really hard!

Another big thing for me right now is trying to be mindful, checking in on me, every single moment.

Why am I yelling at the kids, because of them or rather because I am upset, stressed or in fear?

I feel like that's my task of were I am at right now!

Learning to see myself!

And I am truly enjoying it and it helps me to see not only myself but also the world around me, my loved ones, my life more clearly...

It's hard enough to grow myself, but it's so so much harder to let them grow!!!!

Mesut started preschool this summer, and it opened a window in my heart that was full of grieve and fear of loss!

In a way my heart wants him to never grow up, to always stay my baby that needs me. 

In several situations before, when he started solids, when I started to wean him... I felt like I would deprive him of love while actually it was me, feeling deprived of him, of him needing me.

I am afraid of not being needed!

It is so hard for me to let go of him, so hard to see him grow!

But I do also see that my fear of not being needed (and therefore loved) by him is holding him back, stopping him from being free, from learning to spread his wings...

At the same time he tought me how he needed me to support him.

Both, when he started school and when he dropped his diapers he didn't need me to push him. Actually as soon as I started to push he would resist!

He needed me to tell him my expectations, that I am always there if he needs my support and that I fully believe in him and in his ability to be successful.

As soon as he knew that, he just went and did it all by himself!

My life isn't that bad actually....

I am so sensitive to outside influences and opinions that what ever mood I am surrounded with, it will pass to me too.

Like if I am surrounded by someone complainy, pessimistic I'll directly feel bad and depressed too.

And I immediately feel that it's my responsibility to change the persons bad mood and to make him/her happy again, which sure I cannot and even if I could wouldn't be my responsibility but rather that particular persons responsibility itself.

While I am aware of this since quite sometime and try to be mindful about such situations I just realized something else influencing me and my perception of my life.

People are acting like they pity me, feel sorry for me for having such a hard live, sorry for me for having to care for my in-laws, sorry for me for having so much to do in my household, sorry for me for having to stay up until 2 am to get the dishes done...

The list is endless...

This feeling of being sorry for me convinced me that really, I am someone to feel sorry for, I am someone living a live others should be sorry for...

While actually, my life isn't that bad!!!!

I have had the pleasure to find, marry and live with the love of my life,

I have two wonderful, healthy, happy babies,

I live with my in-laws who love me to death and don't stop praising me,

I can take my babies to the park and have picnic every single day,

My family is healthy, we have no major financial problems, we don't fight...

Does that sound like a life I should be sad about?

And still people keep pitying me, keep feeling sorry for me...

Why?

Don't make me feel bad, don't make me feel sad just because I might not live a life you think is a satisfying one.

Please just stop making me feel sorry for myself by being sorry for me and my life.

My life isn't that bad, my life is pretty cool!

Life doesn't happen to us, it happens for us!

I am not the victim of my situation.

I choose to be in the situation that I am in.

I can always change the situation that I am in, weather by leaving it or by adjusting it so that I can feel fine with it.

I am not a victim, nor slave nor in need to submit to other than Allah subhanah wa taalah!

I am worthy to adjusting my life according to my needs and my wellbeing

I am worthy to be happy and content

I have my life situation in my own hand and it's my responsibility to adjust it so much so that I can feel good!

It is my responsibility to feel happy!

It is my responsibility to feel happy and loved so that I can GIFT happiness and love to my loved ones!

Parenting - it's not about the child, it's actually all about the parent!

It's about parenting ourselves to become our most complete, pure and true version in order to provide our children with the possibility to grow into their own complete, pure and true selves!!!

When I first started to study economics, I felt like I was getting a glimpse of how the world was functioning, how it all works together.

With parenting I feel similar, it's somehow all about the person, your own person!

How we function, feel, are influenced by and influence others. It's so much more than just how to teach your kid, it's really about understanding life, understanding the human and his relations, interactions, cause and effect...

It's about self care and selflove, self love to be free to be enough to give love to others and teach them to love themselves...

The right for ignorance

My baby is about to get one year old,

The babe that just yesterday fell out of my belly within 15 minutes is about to be one year old!

I haven't even started to think about his cake...

And I decided that as his mommy I have the right of ignorance!

I have the right to ignore that he's about to be one year old, 

I have the right to ignore that my other baby is about to be 4,

I have the right to ignore that my babies will be no babies anymore, eventually,

I have the right to ignore that they grow up,

The right to ignore that they might not want to be held when they hurt themselves or when they want to fall asleep,

I have the right to ignore that tomorrow or after tomorrow they might not need me every 5 seconds.

I have the right of ignorance!

The beauty of the Russian...

There are some women whose beauty is all-present, which makes them identifiable as certain national or at least coming from an certain region...

The "Russian" is one of the most obvious example of this phenomenon, and by "Russian" I mean "Eastern European".

It's a certain something that they carry with them, a certain beauty, a certain look that makes them stand out and scream "hey I am Russian!"

Seeing women like this is a delight for my heart and rather than being jealous, they make me happy!

And even better, they motivate, they inspire me to take care of myself, to don't let myself go and to try to achieve a similar beauty.

So dear Russian, I like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for providing me with a role model in terms of beauty, for inspiring me to be a prettier me.

Thank you!

It's not about getting older...

Last week was my birthday... My 30th!!!

For me, turning 30 was a big deal, a very big deal!

And it's not about getting older, it's the fact that my childhood, my sweet moments with my daddy, with my Oma, they are getting smaller and smaller, moving farther and farther away from me... 

That's what makes me sad!

I place big importance on the cake, even my kids they don't get birthday gifts, they just get a cake.

But a nice one!

And I realized why it's so important to me to make the cake myself, to spend weeks planning it, days baking and decorating it...

It's like while I am working on my cake I am processing so many feelings, saying goodbye to the past year and welcoming the new.

I am very sentimental about the past... I cannot even watch a video of the babies from last week without crying about the fact that they will not stay small forever, that they are already so big and that my babies are turning into big boys so fast!

My big theme that has been with me since quite some time but is now even more present than ever is self care!

It's my main objective these days, I feel I am an adult now, I am important to be focused on, I am the mother of my kids, I deserve to be happy and they deserve to have a happy mommy.

I want them to remember me as a happy, joyful, understanding mom, not as the stressed, angry, screaming, hitting mom I am being far too often!

It's so hard, it's a journey, but I am ready to travel, ready to grow!

If I don't care for myself, nobody will!

Self care has been on my list quite a long time now, a long long time actually.

And it seems as long as I don't take it seriously enough I will be confronted with situations that help me realize how much I need it again and again... And again.

The thing is that everybody around me is just addressing me with requests or complaints.

And that's not necessarily because they are bad, self centered or anything else considered to be negative.

For some it might be their young age that makes them so needy that they cannot else than request everything and ask for anything, simply because they cannot do it themselves.

For others it might be the comfort of knowing that I will do it, that I will not deny their request.

For some it might be the nature of their character to complain constantly about everything, for others it might be stress that is pressing on their hearts, asking to be released.

I watched a wonderful video of Jada Smith talking about being a mother and wife and how important self care is. How important it is to make ourselves happy because otherwise we will make other people responsible to make us happy, which they will not and cannot do.

It is our job to make ourselves happy and love ourselves so that we can radiate this love and happiness onto our loved ones.

I am about to turn 30 and I feel like that is going to be a big turning point in my life, I am at an adult point in life, I matured into a mother of two...

And I think at this point in life, my main job is to learn to take care of myself and to realize that I am a loved one, deserving love and attention myself.