chosing the right partner - part 2

last time we talked about the balance between the two partners concerning religiosity, social background, education and financial situation. and we said that a balance in those points will be very beneficial for the couple and their married life and that extrem differences in those points can cause big problems.

today we will start with talking about the age-difference of the two partners.
we here very often about big age-differences between partners. what says islam to this?
the scholars say that age-differences between couples, in whatever constellation, are completely okay as long as they respond to two requirements

1. if the lady is older, she should never see herself as superior or more experienced because of the fact that she is older.
2. if the man is younger, he should not feel subjugated or think that he is allowed to neglect his responsibilities over his wife because he is younger than her.

Although it should not be the age but the maturity of the partners that should be determining, many scholars as well as psychologists have agreed on a perfect age difference between 3 and 8 years, simply because every difference bigger than that means that the partners are one whole generation or more apart.
Nowadays we see many young girls wanting to get married to men that are much older than themselves. Why is that?
reasons might be that they feel that the men in their own age are not mature and not able to take responsibility and to care for a family. They might feel that an older man could offer her more space in his life, value her more and protect her better than a young men who hasn't really "arrived" in his life yet.
This phenomenon should make our young men think about their attitude, maturity and ability to take responsibility.

Although the age-difference between mohammad, peace be upon him and khadija was 15 years, we should keep in mind that this was a special relation between two very special persons. and mohammad, peace be upon him can not be compared to the 25year old boys we see nowadays!

Abu bakr, omar and uthman asked to marry our prophets daugther fatima but mohammad, peace be upon him, rejected them all because they were to old! in the end fatima married ali who was only 5 years older than her.


Last time we said that finding a religious partner should be our priority.
But i want to emphasis that religiosity has nothing to do with being extreme since islam does not like anything that is extrem!
just because a woman is wearing hijab or because a brother wears a long beart and we see them all the time in the mosque, that doesn't mean that they are really religious or that they have understood the meaning of being religious in its right sens.
being religious is reflected in the good character traits a person posesses, because when being religious why want to please and praise Allah and one form of praising Allah is to have good and beautyful character traits!
One day a man came to omar, saying about another man that he was very good and religious.
omar said:
- how do you know that, did you make business with him?
- no
- have you traveled with him?
- no
- ahhh, so you just saw him in the mosque reading quran?
- yes

that is not enough to know if a person is a good or religious person. only by seeing a persons character you will find out if he is really religious and if he has understood the meaning of being religious.
Maybe there will be a lady saying that she married a very religious man who always prayed in the mosque etc. but he treated her very badly and she suffered a lot in the marriage with him.
so, can we say that the prophets, peace be upon him advice to marry the religious was wrong in that case? could our prophet, peace be upon him ever advice something that is not good for us?
or wasn't it the lady who missunderstood the man she chose, who thought he was religious when in reality he didn't understand his religion and responsibility?
maybe we see a lady in hijab and immediately we are convinced that she is very religious. but how can we really know that until we have seen her behaviour?

inorder to go the right we we should always keep our goal in mind.
our goal is to enter paradise and we are searching for a partner with whom we can inhabit the earth according to Allahs commandments so that we will enter paradise together. we are looking for a partner that will help and support us to go the right way together.
we must make the religiosity to or priority but we must also like and be attracted to eachother and there should be a balance between religiosity, social background, education and financial situation. And we should be pleased with the partners character traits since they reflect his religiosity.

Even if we know exactly what we are looking for, it can be very very difficult to find a partner!
Especially women find themselves in a situation that they are very good educated, finished their studies and are ready to get married but cannot find a suitable partner. maybe because there is simply no man near or all the men who come to ask for her hand are not what she is looking for. there are three major barriers
- the parents have to high expectations, be it financially or something else
- men are not willing/able to take responsibility for a family
- the number of potential partners is extremely limited (specially europe/non-muslim countries)

these unmarried women are under an enourmous pressure from all sides and sometimes the pressure is so big that they just want to get married to anybody so that people will stop talking badly about them etc.
this is a very dangerous problem and we should wonder why our parents and grandparents and the people of the time of our prophet, peace be upon him didn't have those problems.
those people had a family, a family in its real islamical sense and function. a family that was a network of all the family members and their neighbors and neighbor families and so on. a network were a boy and a girls could know eachother in a healthy, halal environment, where they knew eachother since childhood and were the families were very close to eachother.
the prophet, peace be upon him used to gather families in his house to make dua for them and ask Allah to strengthen their relationship.
but what has happened to our families today? if i asked you what your cousin likes, how she/he is feeling etc, will you know the answer? are your parents your bestfriends like it is supposed to be in islam? will the members of your family understand eachother and their needs without even telling their problem?
So even if the best way to find a partner would be through the network of your family, many of yús cannot apply it today. may it be because their family are non.muslims or simply because their family has lost their solidarity.

After musa had escaped egypt he arrived at an oasis were he saw men giving water to their camels. a little bit secluded he saw two girls standing, apparently waiting for something.
he went their and asked about why they were there.
the girls said that they needed to get water but that they couldn't do that aslong as the men where there and that their father was an old man.
musa went to bring the water for them and than he left.
one of the girls liked musa and so she asked the father if he could not ask him to work for them since he seemed strong and useful.
the father told her to bring musa to him.
when she arrived musa she said that her father was inviting to thank him for helping the girls.
when musa came to the house the father asked him if he wanted to marry one of his daughters.

from this little story we can learn so many things.
first musa saw that the girls were in need so it was just natural for him to go and helped him.
when he talked to the girls he was very respectful and didn't talk more than it was needed, neighter musa nor the girls tried to be charming or anything like that.
the daughter didn't have to say that she liked musa, her father understood like this because he knew her so well. how many amongst us think that their father knows everything about us and will understand us even without saying anything explicitely?
when musa came to the house the father didn't embarrased his daughter by telling musa that she liked him. he was very discrete to remain his daughters value and to don't embarras her.

Islam doesn't forbid us to like somebody or to fall in love, in the end how can we control our hearts?! it is just that when you are in love you should not let your feelings leed you to things that are forbidden.

In islam the lady has a very high value and we should try our best to remain her value as high as possible and not to embarras her.

one day nafisa came to her friend khadija who was sitting somewere.
- what happened to you khadija?
- i see mohammad and i see so many things in him that i don't see in other men
nufaisa got what she was trying to say and said:
- what do you think about marying him?
- how should that work?
- i will take care of it.
nufaisa went to mohammad, peace be upon him and said:
- ya mohammad, don't you want to get married?
- i don't have the means to get married!
- what would you say if you wouldn't need anything to marry a very good woman?
- who would that be?
- khadija bint-u khuwaylid
- would she agree to marry me?
- I will go and ask her!

You see, khadija didn't have to actually say that she was interested in him to make her friend understand her and nufaisa kept her value very high by making it seem like it was mohammad, peace be upon him who asked to get married to khadija and not the other was around!
that is the beauty of good character traits and so many good examples from which we can learn!

throwing things away

everybody has probably something that gives him the feeling of freedom..
for my mother it is the moment when she is driving a car, and specially when she starts her journey at night and drives into the morning. thats what makes her feel free..

for me, the taste of freedom is to throw things away!!!
not every thing but as much as i can!

a very good example of this passion of mine was the time my family and i moved out of the last apartment we lived in all together.
we all packed our things into boxes.. and in the end my brother had about 20 boxes, my mother about 30 and I had only three!
I had only three boxes not because I didnt own anything but because i through all the other things away! I had a couch, a table, a closet and carpets and except for one carpet I gave everything away. i didnt gave it away because i didnt liked it anymore, but i did it because i knew i wouldnt be in a situation were i could use those things, i didnt want to keep them either and i simply love to throw or give things away.
My mom loves to teese me with the fact that when i was a little girl and one of my friends had birthday, i chose one of my own things to give it to her. she says i gave things i didn't liked anymore but i try to believe that she is lying ehheeheeee

it makes me feel free, makes me feel like what ever happen to me i will be able to go away anytime. sometimes if i go through my clothes (which is basicly the only thing i have apart from some items that mean very much to me) and i see that they are too much i get nervous, i imagine what a big problem i will have moving out with all this stuff.

my family, and specially the ladies of my family have the tendency to get hysterical from time to time.. this mostly happens in stress situations.. one of those stress situations for me is definitively seeing all the things i own!
at my brothers appartment i have a little space where i keep all my things and to me it seems like a huge space even if its just my clothes and shoes..

so, whenever i get into one of these stress situations i start throwing my things away and doing so makes me unbelievable happy and relieved, i feel free like a bird heheheeee

sometimes when i am shopping i feel sad and loose the will to buy something because i imagine how i will have to transport this particular item all over the world with me and i feel heavy and somehow caged.

i like to think about this character of mine as something good, i don't know what others think about it though..
i love to buy and wear things but i just dont like to own them..
i once heared about a celebrity who always traveles without luggage because everything he needs he will buy it at the place he is going to..
that is basically my dream scenario :)
of course not for everything, there are still things i would never want to give away, specially pictures and shoes heheheeee

and just to don't scare you too much:
i never throw things away that don't belong to me..

and there we go with even more wedding...

well.. when thinking about the fragrance how could i forget about the matching makeup?
hehehee.. i probably seem like a crazy love addict, seeing the world thrugh huge pink glasses with lots of pink sugar all over hehehe
but I fell very very happy that way and actually hope i will remain forever in this state of pink love crazieness..

well.. here it comes.. perfect bridal makeup matching the perfect bridal fragrance and of course, how could i forget, matching the perfect bride.. me ;)

lalalaaaaaalalalaaaaalalalalaaaaaaa

wedding fragrance

i seem to be in a wedding mood 24/7 and it don't seem to stop..
i first tought of adding this post to my other post on marriage but then i think it is very probable that many many many wedding posts like this one will follow so why not make them manby many seperated posts on wedding and marriage just to celebrate love a little bit more often ;)

so, here we go:
some days ago i read how nice it is to have a perfume that u will select specially and only for your wedding day, a perfume that you love yet have never worn before and will wear for the first time on your wedding day..
whats good about that?
well, first you will smell nice :)
and second, when ever you smell that perfume again you will remember your wedding day like it was just some hours ago!
so, how could we not love that idea???

i was thinking about what fragrance i would choose and realized that the most romantic perfume i own is a Very Wang one.. Vera Wang who is famous for her bridal gowns ;)
so, while checking out sephora.com, a website i seem to be almost as addicted to as youtube, I found the following:

the Vera Wang Bridal Collection!!!

After you've picked the dress, the cake, and the perfect spot, commemorate your wedding with a truly unique fragrance that will remind you of that day for years to come. Vera Wang's exquisite collection of marriage-made-in-heaven fragrances gives you the ultimate selection of olfactory bouquets to choose from. Whether it's a delicate note that brings back feeling like a princess for a day or a floral reminder of your commitment, choose one that celebrates you—as a bride. "Fragrance provokes the senses and conjures up memories in inexplicable ways. Incredibly intimate, yet nearly imperceptible, a bride's fragrance remains with her long after the ceremony is over." - Vera Wang

her bridal collection includes four perfumes.. and one of them is already mine which makes it just a little biut easier for me to chose ;)

so, may i present you those babies:

Truly Pink

"This lush, floral fragrance was inspired by the grace of a single rose - deep in complexity and budding with possibility. It captures the fragrant caress of rose petals on the skin with an enchanting femininity that epitomizes Vera Wang's style.

Notes:
White Freesia, Lychee Blossom, Cassis, Pink Lily of the Valley, Pink Rose Accord, Peony, Iris, Sensual Woods.
Notes:
Lush. Radiant. Enchanting."

Sheer Veil

Vera Wang Sheer Veil is a celebration of sheer femininity that sparkles with a touch of spontaneity, and a mood that illuminates with sparkling clarity and a lightness of heart. The fragrance has a floral fluidity that drapes the skin, revealing rather than concealing - allowing a woman's radiance to shine though.

Notes:
Champagne Rose, Lavender Dream Rose, Violet, White Stephanotis, Gardenia, White Lily.
Style:
Radiant. Feminine. Sensual.

Bouquet

A lush bouquet symbolizes the perfect union of nature and femininity. A fresh green floral, Vera Wang Bouquet captures the magic and beauty of a radiant, modern bride. Spirited and romantic, it's a bouquet that blooms to perfection. The scent opens with dew drops, accented with a delicate blend of radiant Sicilian bergamot and black currant leaves. The luminous heart blooms with notes of paperwhite narcissus and honeysuckle for a feminine floral sensation. The base of the bouquet is a warm embrace of lavender, Moroccan cedar and white iris root.

Notes:
Dew Drops, Radiant Sicilian Bergamot, Black Currant Leaves, Paperwhite Narcissus, Honeysuckle, Lavender Musk Accord, Moroccan Cedar, White Iris Root.
Style:
Pretty. Inventive. Inspired.

And finally the one i alreaddy call my own:

The Fragrance

Vera Wang has captured desire in a modern, floral bouquet. The first encounter is a flirtation that begins with Bulgarian rose, calla lily, and mandarin flower. The flirtation is followed by a passionate kiss of gardenia, lotus, iris, and white stephanotis. The fragrance is wrapped in a final embrace of sheer musks, white woods, and precious floral nectar.

Notes:
Bulgarian Rose, Calla Lily, Mandarin Flower, Gardenia, Lotus, Iris, White Stephanotis.
Style:
Elegant, feminine, and sensual.

Actually I haven't tried the other ones but I will defenitively make sure I try them all before I'll get married.. and Im really looking forward to that experience..
the fragrance as well as the wedding ;)

chosing the right partner - part 1

this is a series of lectures from the same mosque my "friday evening" posts were from. Its a whole series about marriage, family, love etc. Inshallah I will be able to translate and post all the lectures to this series.

this lecture will be divided into 4 points:

1. how should my partner be like? what is important for me?
2. where and how can I find him?
3. Al Istikhara and Al Istishara - Asking Allah for guidance and asking people for advice
4. Whats your familys opinion about your future partner?

today we will be only covering the first point.
do you kknow how your partner shoul be like? what exactly you are looking for? what is important for you? what qualities he should posses? in which points could you compromise and in what is crucial for you?
when you know exactly what you are looking for, you are ready to search for him/her.
Why did Allah create the human beings? to wirship him alone! to worship him alone and to inhabit the world in accordance to his commandments and rules. So, our goal is to inhabit the world in accordance to Allah's will.
What does that has to do with marriage?
who were the first people commanded to inhabit the earth in accordance to Allah's will?
Adam and Eve, a married couple!
Allah says: oh people, we have created you from a man and a woman, and we have made from you peoples and tribes so that you may get to know eachother. and the best among you are the god-fearing!
it is as god wants to tell you: you are getting married to make the earth inhabitable in accordance to Allah's will. He wants from you that you have his commandments in mind and that you do your best to implement them and live according to them and that you are responsible that they are implemented in this world.
So get married to implement Allah's commandments! Who amongst us sees this as the goal for his marriage? And how can a marriage attain this goal if there is no love between them?

when it comes to how the partner should be, we find a million different ways people think and how they imagine their partner to be like.
But what says our prophet, peace be upon him about that?
there are 4 reasons for which a lady might be married: her beauty, her wealth, her family and her faith. Chose the religious one because otherwise you will just stain your hands with dust.
we should not understand this statement in such a way that one might marry a lady because she is beautyful whereas a other might marry a lady because she is religious. we should see this hadith as an advise from our prophet, peace be upon him, to look for an religious partner.
the life is an enjoyment, and the best thing to enjoy in this life is a god-fearing wife!
every muslim prays that Allah may give him good in this life, good in the hereafter and that he may protect us from the hellfire. According to the majority of scholars, the good in the hereafter is the paradise and the good in this life is a god-fearing wife/partner.
so the partner that will make you truly happy is not the richest or the most beautyful, no, it is the most god-fearing.

once, a man came to Ali and asked for advice concerning whom he should marry his daugther to.
Ali said: marry her to a god-fearing man. if he loves her he will honour her and if he doesn't love her he will never do her bad because he fears Allah!

look for a partner that will help you to live according to Allahs commandments. how will an unreligious partner be able to help you strenghten your faith? how will he encourage you to live acording to Allah's will if he himself does not? how can you create a god-fearing family with a partner that does not fear Allah? what a model will be your partner for your children? and it is you who will be responsible for giving your children such a bad parent as model, simply because it was you who chose that partner!
So we see that religion and faith are the most important point when chosing a partner, but that does not mean that this partner cannot be rich or beautyful, it just means that religion should always be your priority!

when oman ibn al khatab became khalif, he wanted to marry oum kulthum, daugther of abu bakr and sister of aisha. when oum kulthum heard about that she said:
what shall I do with omar? that is a man who has a very hard life, he is very jealous and all he cares about is the muslim comunity. I am a young lady and I want somebody who will shower me with love and who admires Allah!
So nobody says you should marry somebody you dont like just because he is religious, but religion should always be the most important point when chosing your partner.
Many people think that their partner will change and become more religious after marriage or that they can "shape" them to be as they want him to be. but this is a very dangerous way to go!

It is very important that the two partners match and there should be a balance between them when it comes to 4 points:

1. religiousness
2. social status/family background
3. education
4. financial situation

extreme differences between the partners in these points can cause huge conflicts and problems, and we are talking about extreme and not small differences! the financial situation might not be so important but education and social status are very important and specialy extreme differences concerning those two points can be difficult.

before Zayneb got married to mohammad, peace be upon him, she was married to a man who had been a slave while she came from a family that was very famous and rich. This unbalance between the couple caused so many problems that they got divorced!
some people might think now that zayneb was a bad woman or something like that, but if she had beed a bad or unfair woman, how could the prophet, peace be upon him, have married her later?

so while religiousness should always be the top priority, make sure there is a balance between you and your future partner when it comes to those 4 points.

Hors de Prix

I love that movie!
not particularly because of it's story but more because of the fashion!
It's pure honey for my eyes.. and it's very french chic...
Love it!

walking the right way

I think for the first time I have encountered a situation on which I know the right way in theory but somehow struggle to find a way to really go it.
So far I always knew what I was supposed to do and I could always find a way to act accordingly. Even if in the end I chose to go a wrong way, I knew how I could have gone the right way.
But for now I know what I am supposed to do but I seem to be unable to apply it because I don't have the means and circumstances I need to do so..
My friend said that if you really strive to go the right way and please Allah, you will always find the means to go the right way and that shaitan tries to make us believe that it is impossible to go the right way just to make us go astray.
And probably she is right..

I feel like I am doing something bad altough my intention is just to go the right way, make the right decisions and act according to Allahs will so that he may give us his blessing and lead us the right way, the right way that will lead us to him, Ameen.

Ya Allah, show us the right way and make it easy for us to please you.
Show us how we can attain your blessings.
Ameen

Manu Chao

Manu Chao.. the sound of summer.. the sound of sitting at the beach, watching people and drinking coconut.. sound of dreaming, loving, flying.. sound of driving in a car, windows open, watching the streets of summer..

getting married...

Since yesterday I am in the wedding mood!
To be totally honest, I think I am in the wedding mood since I was a sweet little baby girl wanting to marry my father..
Now my father is unfortunately not any more available for marriage and even when he technically was, I had no choice to look after an alternative..
But that had no real impact on my passion for wedding and romance and all things emotional!



So, yesterday I discovered brides.com which set me in a wedding fever and made me dream about my own marriage I would love to celebrate someday, Inshallah someday soon...
Many interesting things I found out..
for example that I am a "romantic bride", well, thats pretty obvious I guess!
There is also a guide for the groom how to pick up the right ring, how to propose and so on..
Since I saw sooo many things they suggested and I would hate when my personal husband to be would do that, I think it would be good to give some hints about what he should better NOT do, hehehee
so, here we go:

• Do not propose to me in public were other people can see us, or if you have to, don't fall on your knee or do anything that will make an outstanding person notice what you are doing! It would make me feel very shy and embarrased!
• But! only because I dont like too much attention in public doesn't mean that I don't want a nice proposal!!! :)))
  
• Let me choose the ring! I have certain ideas of what I like and what now.. sooo, if you choose my ring yourself you might risk that I don't like it! Its also not so easy to find the right size for me.. (I don't need to have an highly expensive diamond, just want something gold and lovely)
  

I decided that it would be good and maybe at some point also helpful to write down my wishes and thoughts about my wedding.

• I want to have two seperated wedding-ceremonies, one civil service with my family in my home town and then a second, islamic wedding in the area from which my husband will come from. Anyway, it's impossible in germany to combine religios and civil wedding.
  

for the wedding in my home town, I have already specific plan.. like always ;)

• In the evening/day before the wedding I want to be just with my girls in a nice appartment and party!!!
• I would love to have a summer wedding
• I want to wear my grandmothers wedding dress! (it hangs in my mothers closet and I tried it one from time to time when I was a little girl)
• I would like my bouquet to be made of lavender or/and camomille or/and Schleierkraut (don't know the englsih name), very romantic, beachy, gardeny, casual..
  
• I want to get married in the late morning and then celebrate in a small romantic restaurant/garden next to the first house we lived in when I was a baby, its right at the river side!
• I don't want my guests to drink alcohol!!! (thats also why I want to get married in the morning)
• I want to be with all my guests ultil lunch, not the whole day! After lunch and after most people left I would love to have a walk, go to the city with my girls and my husband (and the ones he could bring with him).
  

For the second wedding I don't really have a plan (how unusual for me?!).
I just know that when there is going to be a party I want it to be segregated (men and women seperated)!!!
Apart from that I would love to be surprised!
I just want to have to come there and don't worry about all the arrangement and oragnization!
Oh, and for the wedding night I like to have a big nice hotel suite.. but I guess thats already standard?

Well, thats my plan so far.. maybe I will be updating this post from time to time to have like a list of wishes to look at when someday that special day will be in reach..
Inshallah it will be wonderful, how ever and where ever it will be and that the marriage will be so so much more wonderful that the wedding it self! Ameen


April,28 2010 Update:
our wedding plans have evolved:
the day before the civil wedding we will go to a mosque in my hometown just with my mom, her husband and my brother. next morning we will get a civil ceremony very early.. to be continued

Walking in high heels..

I just came across a very funny youtube video (do I seam addicted to youtube?) teaching how to walk in high heels.



I am always wondering why ladies have issues with high heels, why so many of them can't figure out how to walk in them?
i never had this problem, I have a lot of heels, many of them really high and I can walk in almost all of them flawlessly.
The only pair I cannot walk in cause me problems because the sole of the shoes are too hard so that I cannot bend my feet when walking.
Apart from that I have only issues with hurting and burning if the shoes are bad quality or I wear them too long.
I have so many lovely pairs of high heels and I left them all back in germany, except for two pairs I brought with me to look at because I don't wear heeld here.
Actually I don't really know why I don't wear heals anymore, maybe because of the lack of special occasions to wear them?
When I was back in germany I wear them almost every day, for university, shopping, whatever.. hmm talking about them makes me really miss them... (crazy?!)

Well, I could go on an on about how much I love high heels and how much I miss wearing them but I wont, at least not right now and not in that post..