chosing the right partner - part 1

this is a series of lectures from the same mosque my "friday evening" posts were from. Its a whole series about marriage, family, love etc. Inshallah I will be able to translate and post all the lectures to this series.

this lecture will be divided into 4 points:

1. how should my partner be like? what is important for me?
2. where and how can I find him?
3. Al Istikhara and Al Istishara - Asking Allah for guidance and asking people for advice
4. Whats your familys opinion about your future partner?

today we will be only covering the first point.
do you kknow how your partner shoul be like? what exactly you are looking for? what is important for you? what qualities he should posses? in which points could you compromise and in what is crucial for you?
when you know exactly what you are looking for, you are ready to search for him/her.
Why did Allah create the human beings? to wirship him alone! to worship him alone and to inhabit the world in accordance to his commandments and rules. So, our goal is to inhabit the world in accordance to Allah's will.
What does that has to do with marriage?
who were the first people commanded to inhabit the earth in accordance to Allah's will?
Adam and Eve, a married couple!
Allah says: oh people, we have created you from a man and a woman, and we have made from you peoples and tribes so that you may get to know eachother. and the best among you are the god-fearing!
it is as god wants to tell you: you are getting married to make the earth inhabitable in accordance to Allah's will. He wants from you that you have his commandments in mind and that you do your best to implement them and live according to them and that you are responsible that they are implemented in this world.
So get married to implement Allah's commandments! Who amongst us sees this as the goal for his marriage? And how can a marriage attain this goal if there is no love between them?

when it comes to how the partner should be, we find a million different ways people think and how they imagine their partner to be like.
But what says our prophet, peace be upon him about that?
there are 4 reasons for which a lady might be married: her beauty, her wealth, her family and her faith. Chose the religious one because otherwise you will just stain your hands with dust.
we should not understand this statement in such a way that one might marry a lady because she is beautyful whereas a other might marry a lady because she is religious. we should see this hadith as an advise from our prophet, peace be upon him, to look for an religious partner.
the life is an enjoyment, and the best thing to enjoy in this life is a god-fearing wife!
every muslim prays that Allah may give him good in this life, good in the hereafter and that he may protect us from the hellfire. According to the majority of scholars, the good in the hereafter is the paradise and the good in this life is a god-fearing wife/partner.
so the partner that will make you truly happy is not the richest or the most beautyful, no, it is the most god-fearing.

once, a man came to Ali and asked for advice concerning whom he should marry his daugther to.
Ali said: marry her to a god-fearing man. if he loves her he will honour her and if he doesn't love her he will never do her bad because he fears Allah!

look for a partner that will help you to live according to Allahs commandments. how will an unreligious partner be able to help you strenghten your faith? how will he encourage you to live acording to Allah's will if he himself does not? how can you create a god-fearing family with a partner that does not fear Allah? what a model will be your partner for your children? and it is you who will be responsible for giving your children such a bad parent as model, simply because it was you who chose that partner!
So we see that religion and faith are the most important point when chosing a partner, but that does not mean that this partner cannot be rich or beautyful, it just means that religion should always be your priority!

when oman ibn al khatab became khalif, he wanted to marry oum kulthum, daugther of abu bakr and sister of aisha. when oum kulthum heard about that she said:
what shall I do with omar? that is a man who has a very hard life, he is very jealous and all he cares about is the muslim comunity. I am a young lady and I want somebody who will shower me with love and who admires Allah!
So nobody says you should marry somebody you dont like just because he is religious, but religion should always be the most important point when chosing your partner.
Many people think that their partner will change and become more religious after marriage or that they can "shape" them to be as they want him to be. but this is a very dangerous way to go!

It is very important that the two partners match and there should be a balance between them when it comes to 4 points:

1. religiousness
2. social status/family background
3. education
4. financial situation

extreme differences between the partners in these points can cause huge conflicts and problems, and we are talking about extreme and not small differences! the financial situation might not be so important but education and social status are very important and specialy extreme differences concerning those two points can be difficult.

before Zayneb got married to mohammad, peace be upon him, she was married to a man who had been a slave while she came from a family that was very famous and rich. This unbalance between the couple caused so many problems that they got divorced!
some people might think now that zayneb was a bad woman or something like that, but if she had beed a bad or unfair woman, how could the prophet, peace be upon him, have married her later?

so while religiousness should always be the top priority, make sure there is a balance between you and your future partner when it comes to those 4 points.