Today we are finally continuing our series about family, about how to chose the right partner and how to continue to go the right way once you have found him.
As all the lectures before, this lecture was hold by Abdelhay Fadil at my "home" mosque in Dortmund.
Today we will start talking about the time of engagement and inshallah we will talk about the following points:
- the limits between the partners
- what is the final goal of the time of engagement?
- how long should be the time of engagement?
- being able to come to the right coice and decision at the end of the engagement time
- how to deal with sins and mistakes, the partners might have commited in the past?
- how to react when you find out bad characer treats in your partner?
- what are the partners rights and responsibilities over each other during the time of engagement?
To start my lecture, I would like to give you two examples of couples that are in their engagement time:
in one case, the couple is always together and their are almost no boundaries and limits between them. In the second case, the couple might meet each other once or twice before the decision about marriage will be made, they will not have the possibility to talk to each other in a direct way and to get to know each other.
Both ways are wrong and both ways are extreme.
The time of engagement is a time to get to know each other, but how to get to know each other in the right way? Were are the limits the couple must respect? Is there a particular ceremony for the engagement?
Engagement in Islam is a promise, i ask a lady for her hand and promise that I WANT to marry her. But it is no commitment in any form, it does not mean that in the end you will really get married, the couple just promise each other that they have the same intention, which wanting to marry each other.
What is the goal of the engagement time? Two main goals should be reached in this time: to get to know the partner on a intellectual level and to find emotional tranquility and peace in him.
What is the problem of an engagement without limits and boundaries?
An engagement time without limits can become very dangerous. The gowl of engagement is to find emotional peace in each other and to get to know each other. If sexuality plays a role in the engagement time, neither can you find peace, nor can you get to know each other. As soon as sexuality plays a role, we are not able to perceive and see the other in a neutral way and we are unable to get to know the other realistic and objective.
Islam wants the couple to get to know each other step by step, engagement time is the step in which you should only get to know each other on an intellectual level and find emotional peace in each other, once you have reached that level, you are ready to go to the next step.
Do I understand him? Do I feel comfortable around him? Those question are to be answered. And to get to know each other in a right, realistic and objective way is essential to take the right decisions later on. Once sexuality and lust plays a role, we will not be able to be objective.
You want your marriage to be happy and blessed. Who can make your marriage happy? Who can bless it? Allah! You start you relationship with sins and still want that relation to be blessed by Allah? Who stays away from something for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward him with something much better!
And again as a remembrance, the goals of the engagement time are to get to know each other on an intellectual level and to find emotional peace and tranquility in each other.
So far we only talked about a engagement time in which there are no limits. But whats with an engagement time in which the partners don't even talk to each other? How can you find peace and get to know each other that way?
It is very important to show yourself as you are, honest and with out fear of disappointing the other. Try to get to know your partner on a neutral basis without your emotions changing your perception. That does not mean that you should not fall in love, but before love comes, try to use the opportunity to get to know your partner just like he is, without having your emotions and lust change your perception of him/her.
Islam is the religion of the middle, no extremes, neither in one nor the other direction!
There is no duration that can be fixed since it is about attaining a goal. Once that goal of getting to know the partner and finding peace in him is reached., you are ready to go the next step.
And if both of that points are attained, you should not wait any longer to take that next step.
We got engaged, what should happen now?
We want to get to know our partner to be able to make the right decision. What are the things you should find out? There are 5 points you should talk about and evaluate.
religiosity
character treats
way of thinking
how does he/she imagines the future?
Habits
The goal of asking all those questions is to find out whether or not you could understand each other and live together in the future.
How will we find out about the other? Ask him!
The goal is that the intellects meet, when the partners understand each other on an intelectual level, their souls will find peace in each other eventually! And when their souls find peace in each other, love can grow. But love has roots, and in order for it to grow, those roots must excist. If you do not know each other, don't understand each other and your souls don't find peace in each other, love can not grow.
Sometimes we hear people say: we loved each other but then, after marriage everything changed.
So maybe you didn't go the right way, your love wasn't based on the right roots, it wasn't the love that is the result of understanding and attachment.
What are the questions you should answer?
What is your goal in life? What are your dreams? What do you want to achieve? What are your wishes?
We want a partner who knows what he wants, who is confident. It's not that we should come up with a catalog of questions, it's more a conversation that should develop in order to get to know each other.
How do you plan your future? How do you want to raise your children? Where do you want to life?
If you are already emotional attached to your partner in that stage, you are not able to head out of that relationship. If you are in love, what ever the answer to a question might be, it will not influence your decision. If you are already in love at this point, you will not be able to see clear and to take objective decisions and consequences.
How should your partner be like? What is the reason for marriage? What do you like and what not? How are you with your religion?
The question about religiosity is very important but sure, all the other questions are very very important as well. Find out how religious your partner is, what opinions he has, what scholars he likes etc.
All the questions mentioned are just starting points for further conversations.
Once a woman came to Omar Ibn Khattab and said: a certain man had asked for my hand in marriage and I would like to marry him but I do not love him.
Omar Ibn Khattab said:
how are his character treats?
Very good
how is his religiosity?
Very good
and how is his family?
Very good
daughter, a couple lives through religiosity, character treats and family! Love will grow on this three points, so marry him because love will come eventually.
Always try to keep a balance. Realizing that your partner has mistakes does not mean that you should end the engagement. It is about getting to know your partner with his good and his bad sides and deciding whether or not you can live with both of his sides. There is nobody without defaults! Don't try to change your partner. It is about knowing and accepting each other just the way you are and not about changing your partner until he is as you want him to be.
Allah says: is the one who builds his house (family) on piety and the striving for Allahs appreciation similar to the one who builds his house (family) on an crashing hillside?
To lie to your partner is betrayal! Betrayal on your partner, your future husband/wife and sooner or later those lies will come out.
So we said you should be totally honest, but what about the sins and mistakes you have committed in the past? And what when you are directly asked about those sins? Is it even permissible to ask such questions?
Only when you repent the sin you should conceal it, if you didn't regret it you must tell your partner about it. Don't ask your partner about his sins and if you are asked then don't answer. If you are forced to answer then lie! If you have repent to Allah, he has forgiven you and your sin is deleted!
If you do find out that your partner has committed a sin, make sure that it is true and that he/she regret and repent. Do you like his/her character treats? Will you be able to forget what happened or can you never forgive him and cause him trouble every time?
A lady had gotten married and came very angry to Omar Ibn Khattab. She said that after she had married, her brother went to her husbands family and told them about her sins! Omar Ibn Khattab was furious about the brothers behavior and said he should have never denounced her!
What are a mans right over the lady during the time of engagement?
During the time of engagement, the woman is still a foreign woman to the man, he has no right to impose anything on her. He can only ask her, but she does not have to comply!
They should sit together and talk but never be alone, and still be free enough to talk openly.
In this step, parents must enable their children to get together in an appropriate environment, to enable them to get to know each other while not crossing the limits. Therefor it is very important that the relation between parents and children is close, they trust eachother and children are willing to take their parents advice and guidance. We need parents that are sensitive and open minded, that are able to respond to their children's problems and emotions.
On the day that the marriage contract between Ali and Fatima was made, Muhammad – peace be upon him – went to Alis house and met Asmaa in front of it.
where is my brother?
He asked
Your brother? Who is your brother oh prophet?
Ali!
Since the beginning Muhammad – peace be upon him – tried to build a stron relationship between him and his son in law because he wanted his daughter and her husband to feel comfortable and at ease in their marriage.
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