Give for the sake of giving or for the sake of receiving gratitude

Some days ago a lady, holding a baby rang the door asking for support.

First I gave her money, as she asked for used children clothes I run to collect as many un-needed clothes, trying hard to find winter appropriate clothes. She went on to ask for diapers which I happily gave her, including wet wipes. She asked for food, making me give her some of our cheese...

The more I gave her, the happier I felt.

I felt amazing being able to help her, I wanted to give her more and more, the delight and thankfulness in her eyes made me deeply happy!

The next day I looked out of the window and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Some of the clothes I just had given to the lady were laying now on the park wall in the rain!

My heart was racing with anger, how she could throw the things I had pulled away from me on the street?

Even tough I tried to calm myself by trying to justify her behavior, I still remained angry for a long time.

Probably they weren't the size of her children, maybe she tought someone else in need could find them and use them...

Then later a narration of a very rich man at the times of our prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, came to my mind.

The man was very rich, owning several big ships.

One day they came to him, telling him that all his ships had been destroyed.

The man remained silent for a moment and then said alhamdoulilah and continued his business.

Later they came again to him, saying that it was a mistake, the ships were all fine without any damage.

Again, the man remained silent for a moment, then said alhamdoulilah and continued his business.

So they asked the man about his reaction.

He said: first I listened to my heart if it was moved by the news and I found it unmoved.

So I said alhamdoulilah.

Then again I listened to my heart if it was moved by the news and I found it again unmoved.

So I said alhamdoulilah.

So the question is, did I give what I gave simply to give and gain Allahs pleasure for giving?

Or did I give to see the thankfulness in the ladies eyes?

And was I upset because the fact that she didn't want my clothes meant that she hadn't been thankful to me?

My auntie Hiba in La Rochelle used to say that if you try to satisfy people, you will never be successful because their needs and desires are unlimited. But only if you strive to please and satisfy Allah alone you will be successful and attain happiness and Allahs blessings and reward. Inshallah.

So instead of searching thankfulness and pleasure und the ladies eyes, I should focus on finding and gaining pleasure from Allah alone.

Having mercy...

Since having Sait, I became more merciful, specially with myself.

I allow myself to fail,

Allow myself to take time just to be with the kids without doing any chore.

My surrounding hasn't yet adjusted to my change and still tries to push me back in my old, stressful self  and I am definitely still stressed a big part of the day but there are islands of mercy.

I started to sit with the kids reading books, taking walks while telling mesudy stories, trying to exercise but at the same time making sure I don't push to hard...

Oh Allah, You All Merciful, shower me with Your mercy and let me have mercy with my loved ones and with myself.

And let me not forget that I am a loved one myself!

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

"For parents everywhere,

Whose love is shaping the next generation,

And transforming humanity:

Our future rests on your shoulders."

Ya Allah, let me be the best mother I can be!

The sweetness of the early hours

I came to love the early morning, or shall I better say the late night?

It seems that when all is done (even if it's not finished) and everybody is sleeping (even mesudy!) I silence and calm are just too sweet to sleep. 

So I find myself these days staying up until three in the morning enjoying some me time, often just being ended by mesudy waking up (once again) or at least followed by a very deficient amount of sleep.

But these precious moments alone, filled with rest and peace are just priceless!

Reevaluate your priorities

Today I took the kids to the doctor to check Saits blood as he had gained a lot weight very fast previously. Everything is fine alhamdoulilah but he is missing iron and vitamin b12. Doctor said he is missing it because I am missing it. I said that I was fasting during Ramadan and if that might be the reason and she said I shouldn't have faster as it prevented my body to get enough nutrients to pass on to my baby.

So there are two points that made me thinking:

1. How I decided to fast

2. He is missing it because I am missing it

My reasons to fast were that I thought I needed to fast to please Allah and fulfill my duty towards Him and that I didn't want to have to makeup all the missed days later since I have still a whole month to fast from mesudys birth.

So here is my point, maybe I would have pleased Allah more if I would have made sure that my and my babies body are nurtured? Maybe I was to hard on myself and therefore effected the baby?

Which leads me to my second point, the baby is missing because I am missing!!!

Subhanallah!

That is a whole new level on its own.

If I don't care for myself, I don't care for my kids.

If I don't nurture myself, I cannot nurture my kids.

If I am not happy, how can I give happiness to my loved ones?

I'm rushing to keep the house clean while yelling at the kids.

I skip lunch to get a job done.

I don't rest while the kids sleep, again, to get a job done.

It's time to step back and to reevaluate my priorities!

BECAUSE IF I AM MISSING, THEY ARE MISSING!

Dua

I turn my face towards the One.

Who created the heavens and the earth, as a true believer.

I am not of those who associate partners with Allah.

Verily, my prayer and my devotion,

My living and my death,

Are for Allah, lord of the worlds, He has no partners.

Thus I have been commanded and I am among those who have submitted.

Oh Allah, you are the King,

There is none worthy of worship but You.

You are my lord and I am your slave.

I have wronged my own soul and I confess my sin.

Forgive all of my sins, surely none forgives sins but You.

Guide me to the perfection of my character, for none guides to its perfection but You.

Protect me from the evils of my character, for none may protect me from its evils but You.

I am here at your service.

All goodness is in your hands, and evil is not attributed to you.

I am created by You and I am returning to You.

You are most blessed, most exalted.

I seek your forgiveness and repent to You.

Dua

Oh Allah place light in my heart,

And on my tongue light,

And in my ears light and in my sight light,

And above me light,

And below me light,

And to my right light,

And to my left light,

And before me light,

And behind me light.

Place in my soul light.

Magnify for me light,

And amplify for me light.

Make for me light and make me a light.

Oh Allah grant me light,

And place light in my nerves, 

And in my body light,

And in my blood light,

And in my hair light,

And in my skin light.

Oh Allah make for me a light in my grave,

And a light in my bones.

Increase me in light,

Increase me in light,

Increase me in light.

Grant me light upon light.