It's not about getting older...

Last week was my birthday... My 30th!!!

For me, turning 30 was a big deal, a very big deal!

And it's not about getting older, it's the fact that my childhood, my sweet moments with my daddy, with my Oma, they are getting smaller and smaller, moving farther and farther away from me... 

That's what makes me sad!

I place big importance on the cake, even my kids they don't get birthday gifts, they just get a cake.

But a nice one!

And I realized why it's so important to me to make the cake myself, to spend weeks planning it, days baking and decorating it...

It's like while I am working on my cake I am processing so many feelings, saying goodbye to the past year and welcoming the new.

I am very sentimental about the past... I cannot even watch a video of the babies from last week without crying about the fact that they will not stay small forever, that they are already so big and that my babies are turning into big boys so fast!

My big theme that has been with me since quite some time but is now even more present than ever is self care!

It's my main objective these days, I feel I am an adult now, I am important to be focused on, I am the mother of my kids, I deserve to be happy and they deserve to have a happy mommy.

I want them to remember me as a happy, joyful, understanding mom, not as the stressed, angry, screaming, hitting mom I am being far too often!

It's so hard, it's a journey, but I am ready to travel, ready to grow!

If I don't care for myself, nobody will!

Self care has been on my list quite a long time now, a long long time actually.

And it seems as long as I don't take it seriously enough I will be confronted with situations that help me realize how much I need it again and again... And again.

The thing is that everybody around me is just addressing me with requests or complaints.

And that's not necessarily because they are bad, self centered or anything else considered to be negative.

For some it might be their young age that makes them so needy that they cannot else than request everything and ask for anything, simply because they cannot do it themselves.

For others it might be the comfort of knowing that I will do it, that I will not deny their request.

For some it might be the nature of their character to complain constantly about everything, for others it might be stress that is pressing on their hearts, asking to be released.

I watched a wonderful video of Jada Smith talking about being a mother and wife and how important self care is. How important it is to make ourselves happy because otherwise we will make other people responsible to make us happy, which they will not and cannot do.

It is our job to make ourselves happy and love ourselves so that we can radiate this love and happiness onto our loved ones.

I am about to turn 30 and I feel like that is going to be a big turning point in my life, I am at an adult point in life, I matured into a mother of two...

And I think at this point in life, my main job is to learn to take care of myself and to realize that I am a loved one, deserving love and attention myself.

Give for the sake of giving or for the sake of receiving gratitude

Some days ago a lady, holding a baby rang the door asking for support.

First I gave her money, as she asked for used children clothes I run to collect as many un-needed clothes, trying hard to find winter appropriate clothes. She went on to ask for diapers which I happily gave her, including wet wipes. She asked for food, making me give her some of our cheese...

The more I gave her, the happier I felt.

I felt amazing being able to help her, I wanted to give her more and more, the delight and thankfulness in her eyes made me deeply happy!

The next day I looked out of the window and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Some of the clothes I just had given to the lady were laying now on the park wall in the rain!

My heart was racing with anger, how she could throw the things I had pulled away from me on the street?

Even tough I tried to calm myself by trying to justify her behavior, I still remained angry for a long time.

Probably they weren't the size of her children, maybe she tought someone else in need could find them and use them...

Then later a narration of a very rich man at the times of our prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, came to my mind.

The man was very rich, owning several big ships.

One day they came to him, telling him that all his ships had been destroyed.

The man remained silent for a moment and then said alhamdoulilah and continued his business.

Later they came again to him, saying that it was a mistake, the ships were all fine without any damage.

Again, the man remained silent for a moment, then said alhamdoulilah and continued his business.

So they asked the man about his reaction.

He said: first I listened to my heart if it was moved by the news and I found it unmoved.

So I said alhamdoulilah.

Then again I listened to my heart if it was moved by the news and I found it again unmoved.

So I said alhamdoulilah.

So the question is, did I give what I gave simply to give and gain Allahs pleasure for giving?

Or did I give to see the thankfulness in the ladies eyes?

And was I upset because the fact that she didn't want my clothes meant that she hadn't been thankful to me?

My auntie Hiba in La Rochelle used to say that if you try to satisfy people, you will never be successful because their needs and desires are unlimited. But only if you strive to please and satisfy Allah alone you will be successful and attain happiness and Allahs blessings and reward. Inshallah.

So instead of searching thankfulness and pleasure und the ladies eyes, I should focus on finding and gaining pleasure from Allah alone.

Having mercy...

Since having Sait, I became more merciful, specially with myself.

I allow myself to fail,

Allow myself to take time just to be with the kids without doing any chore.

My surrounding hasn't yet adjusted to my change and still tries to push me back in my old, stressful self  and I am definitely still stressed a big part of the day but there are islands of mercy.

I started to sit with the kids reading books, taking walks while telling mesudy stories, trying to exercise but at the same time making sure I don't push to hard...

Oh Allah, You All Merciful, shower me with Your mercy and let me have mercy with my loved ones and with myself.

And let me not forget that I am a loved one myself!

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

"For parents everywhere,

Whose love is shaping the next generation,

And transforming humanity:

Our future rests on your shoulders."

Ya Allah, let me be the best mother I can be!

The sweetness of the early hours

I came to love the early morning, or shall I better say the late night?

It seems that when all is done (even if it's not finished) and everybody is sleeping (even mesudy!) I silence and calm are just too sweet to sleep. 

So I find myself these days staying up until three in the morning enjoying some me time, often just being ended by mesudy waking up (once again) or at least followed by a very deficient amount of sleep.

But these precious moments alone, filled with rest and peace are just priceless!

Reevaluate your priorities

Today I took the kids to the doctor to check Saits blood as he had gained a lot weight very fast previously. Everything is fine alhamdoulilah but he is missing iron and vitamin b12. Doctor said he is missing it because I am missing it. I said that I was fasting during Ramadan and if that might be the reason and she said I shouldn't have faster as it prevented my body to get enough nutrients to pass on to my baby.

So there are two points that made me thinking:

1. How I decided to fast

2. He is missing it because I am missing it

My reasons to fast were that I thought I needed to fast to please Allah and fulfill my duty towards Him and that I didn't want to have to makeup all the missed days later since I have still a whole month to fast from mesudys birth.

So here is my point, maybe I would have pleased Allah more if I would have made sure that my and my babies body are nurtured? Maybe I was to hard on myself and therefore effected the baby?

Which leads me to my second point, the baby is missing because I am missing!!!

Subhanallah!

That is a whole new level on its own.

If I don't care for myself, I don't care for my kids.

If I don't nurture myself, I cannot nurture my kids.

If I am not happy, how can I give happiness to my loved ones?

I'm rushing to keep the house clean while yelling at the kids.

I skip lunch to get a job done.

I don't rest while the kids sleep, again, to get a job done.

It's time to step back and to reevaluate my priorities!

BECAUSE IF I AM MISSING, THEY ARE MISSING!