According to the author of this book too many marriage-counselors see the solution in marital problems in learning how to communicate better and how to deal with conflicts and critical situations. Harley sees that approach only as a additional factor but not as the full solution.
Everybody, man and woman has certain needs that need to be met. These needs differ in their intensity between men and women and when those needs are not met within the marital relationship they leed to frustration and unhappieness or are fulfilledby a third party - within an affair.
By identifying the needs of both partners and by fulfilling them, both partners can find satisfaction and contentment in the marital relation. Harleys goal is not only to solve marital problems but to make the couple fall in love again by doing what makes the partner happy and by avoiding what makes them unhappy.
Harley identified ten most dominant needs out of which five are more important to women and five are more important to men:
"The Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in a Husband"
#1 AFFECTION:
"Physical affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval."
Affection is important in its own right and it has nothing to do with sex. Affection says "I Love You" without "I Lust For You." Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, touches, gifts, back rubs, affectionate words, etc. all fall under the category of affection. Harley says that the "typical male" sees affection as foreplay to sexual encounters and is normally aroused by affectionate physical gestures. A man who growls, 'I'm not the affectionate type' while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is missing a chance to meet one of her deepest needs.
#2 CONVERSATION:
We usually put our best foot forward before the marriage and are trying to get acquainted with each other as well as letting the other person know how much we like them. In order to do both, we are usually engaged in a lot of conversation. Long talks at night.
Long conversations on the telephone. Walks where we tell each other about ourselves.
After the wedding, we know about each other and the conversations we used to enjoy seem to be very limited or come to an end altogether. Harley says that men do not seem to need conversation, but women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. The most
satisfying conversation is one that focuses on getting to know each other, showing an interest in each other, and discussing topics of interest to both. It is important that she feel a genuine interest and caring for her.
Harley says that the average woman needs 15 hours of quality conversation a week.
#3 HONESTY AND OPENNESS:
"A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs…To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future."
#4 FINANCIAL SUPPORT:
"Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth, a woman does marry at man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up."
#5 COMMITMENT TO FAMILY:
"A woman has a powerful instinct to create a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to be a
good father. This means having "good family time" and playing an active role in raising the children."
"The Top 5 Things a Man Needs in a Wife"
#1 SEXUAL FULFILLMENT:
" The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband's need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's need for affection. This need in men is so strong that it must be satisfied -- in or out of the marriage. When a man binds himself in marriage, he makes the assumption that his wife will be available to him sexually. If that is not the case, it it sets the stage for an affair -- which will be destructive to the marriage."
#2 RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP:
The need to have fun with his partner is the second need Harley identifies for men. As already stated, we often put our best foot forward in the courtship and this is another area where there may be disappointment after the "I do". "Why don't you do this with me anymore?" is a common lament. Harley cautions wives that having fun together doing the things that you both like is essential to the marriage. "Men place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions."
#3 AN ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE:
"A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenever he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that is what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met, he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most men have a need for an attractive wife. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They appreciate the way she looks."
#4 DOMESTIC SUPPORT:
He needs peace and quiet. There may be a cultural change/demand that says that men need to take more responsibility in the home for domestic chores, but most men are not embracing this change. The male has a deep need for his wife to "take care of things" -- especially take care of him.
#5 ADMIRATION/RESPECT:
HE NEEDS HER TO BE PROUD OF HIM
Why do males have this need? Admiration energizes and motivates a man and he often expects his wife to be his most ardent fan. He needs to be appreciated for what he IS, not for what he COULD BECOME. While criticism causes men to become defensive, his wife's encouragement enables him to become more confident and enables him to achieve far more.
(taken from: http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/2011/01/his-needs-her-needs-building-affair.html)
I could only read the first 50 pages with google books but so far i find Harleys ideas interesting and also quite logical. Although they might not provide a solution to more serious problems, i think responding to eachothers needs not only lays a healthy foundation for a marriage but also fulfills the promiss to care for eachother.
